CELL PHONE NOISE
“Fuck me. Just fuck my life in every hole. Four in the goddamned morning. What?”
“Ms. Haberman, this is General John Kelly.”
“Hello. Uh, sir.”
“Ma’am, I read your article today, and I’d like to know the names of your sources.”
“You know I can’t do that.”
“TELL ME NOW, MAGGOT!”
“You know I’m not a recruit at Parris Island, right?”
“Yeah, sorry. I was in the Corps for 35 years. Yelling at people generally produced results.”
“Sure. How’s the president taking the article?”
“The one about me controlling all access to him and strategically denying him unhelpful information?”
“Yeah.”
“I didn’t let him see it.”
“Smart move.”
“I’m like the fucking Dutch boy over here, except instead of my finger, it’s my dick plugging up the fucking hole. Pardon my French.”
“I’ve heard worse. Mostly when The Mooch calls.”
“Man, I skullfucked that pissant, didn’t I? You could see right through the hole I made. Only fun I’ve had at this job.”
“That bad?”
“You’ve apparently talked to everyone in the building about it.”
“I was being polite.”
“Starting to think the only thing that could solve this administration’s troubles is an air strike.”
“On the White House?”
“White House, North Korea, Tehran. It’s like a Gordian Knot of shit over here. Lemme tell you something: if Eric Trump was my kid, I would’ve eaten him. Like fucking Kronos. Only thing that soft little cocksmith is good for is protein.”
“A little harsh.”
“Ms. Haberman, this fucking place is a retard orgy. You ever been been to a retard orgy? Got one over there trying to fuck a potted plant, this one’s taking a shit on the couch, nothing’s getting done, no one’s happy, and everything is starting to smell. Retard orgy.”
“We don’t need to use that word, General.”
“Losing it with these fucking shitheels. No discipline, and that starts at the top. Other day I was talking to the president and I realized my hands were involuntarily wrapping an imaginary bar of soap up in a towel.”
“I think most people would understand your feelings.”
“Marines don’t have feelings, ma’am; Marines have knives.”
“Right.”
“You should hear him stand up out of his chair. Sounds like a goat dying.”
“That’s very specific.”
“You can’t spend too much time in the Middle East without knowing what a goat dying sounds like.”
“I suppose.”
“There’s too many paths to the greasy bastard. He’s got phones hidden all around the building and all those asshole-buddies of his call him up and pour molten shit in his ear. You know Roger Stone?”
“Who doesn’t.”
“I find that perverted weasel, I’m pegging him with my bayonet.”
“Ow.”
“Tell me he doesn’t deserve it.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Shit, you ought to be thanking me.”
“For what, General?”
“Wrestled the nuclear football out of his hands twice today.”
“Holy God, what happened?”
“Those useless sacks of shit on Fox and Friends started talking about ‘Why don’t we nuke that hurricane before it hits land?’ And guess who thought that was a capital fucking idea?”
“Holy God.”
“God left the fucking building six months ago, ma’am.”
“Please don’t let him nuke the hurricane.”
“I’m doing my best. Turns out he’s easily distractable. Throw a drumstick from KFC in front of him and he forgets what he was talking about. It’s like training a seal.”
“You should teach him how to balance a ball on his nose.”
“Ms. Haberman, he can barely balance himself on the earth. I’ve never seen a more incompetent fuck in my life.”
“Jesus. Wait. Why are you still up?”
“Still up? I’m starting my day. Marines beat the sun out of bed, ma’am.”
“Good to know. The rest of them call me while they’re drinking.”
“Oh, I’m already drunk as hell.”
“This all keeps getting worse.”
“Oo-rah.”
“retard orgy”
I am
1. Embarrassed
2. Offended
3. In pain from laughing so hard.
Got one over there trying to fuck a potted plant…
Seems the best humor will do exactly those three things to you.
You said Gordian knot, but I think General Kelly would have said “tholian web”