Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Maggie Haberman Must Have Expected This Late-Night Call


“Hello, Sam.”

“Hi, this is Sam Nunberg and…how did you know it was me?”

“I’m the only person in Washington you haven’t talked to today.”

“The Nun’s on a run!”

“You sure are, slugger.”

“Mueller can suck on my huevos. They’re pink, plump, and shiny. Just like my head.”

“Sam, are you okay?”

“I’ve never been better, Maggie. Know who’s not gonna be okay?”


“That fuck. I’m thinking about going over to his office and putting him in a figure-four leglock.”


“That’s my finishing move.”


“I’m a beast, Maggie.”

“Are you drinking again, Sam?”


“Then that wasn’t the sound of ice cubes and whiskey?”



“I’ve switched to vodka.”

“Sam, stop drinking.”

“How will I wash down the pills?”

“Don’t take any pills.”

“Did you hear what they wanted me to do? Find ALL my e-mails! Years worth! And they wanted me to do it in one weekend!”

“What’s the problem?”

“I don’t even know where they are. I checked the basement, but that’s where I live. Checked my parents’ room. Nothing.”

“You live with your parents?”

“My parents and I live together as equals.”

“Okay. So, you said something today about how you thought President Trump had colluded with Russia?”

“Oh, he toooooootally did. I have no precise knowledge of what happened, but I don’t not know what happened.”


“I wasn’t in the room, but I was also in the room. If you know what I mean.”

“I don’t.”

“Just trust me on this one.”

“Absolutely not. What the hell set this off, Sam?”

“What? Monday fun-day Nun-day?”


“Listen, Marble–”

“Not my name.”

“–this may be the xannies talking, but I will DIE for Roger Stone. I will DIE for that man.”

“You have the worst taste in men.”

“He is a BUTTERFLY. He is a gorgeous butterfly made of kindness and high-fashion! That man took me in and taught me about politics, and life, and a lot of pervert shit I don’t wanna get into, but I enjoyed. Don’t worry about that: I wanted to do everything, but I don’t feel comfortable listing the acts for you.”

“I wouldn’t feel comfortable having them listed.”

“We made each other hand-happy.”

“Told you I didn’t want to know.”

“He dressed me up as Nancy Reagan and made me service strangers at laundromats. Roger hid inside a dryer and masturbated.”

“Stop talking, Sam Nunberg.”

“Donald Trump is not a good man, Maggie. He treated me and Mr. Stone very badly. He called me Sam Cuntberg many times, and that was hurtful. I worked so hard for him, and he called me that. Meanwhile, Lewandowski’s banging Hope Hicks in the bathroom of Trump’s campaign office, Bannon was skimming money from the campaign, Carter Page was colluding with everyone he could find, and his idiot children are skywriting ‘Come and do treason with us’ over the Russian Embassy. But he called me names.”


“So you think I should respond to the subpoena?”


“Huh. I’m gonna call in to QVC and see what they have to say.”

“Good idea.”



  1. Luther Von Baconson

    March 6, 2018 at 10:58 am

    i just spit out the beet/black cherry juice concoction i’ve been drinking lately all over myself. gotta head to the laundromat. kudos.

  2. SmokingLeather

    March 7, 2018 at 2:09 pm

    “How will I wash down the pills?”

    Sometimes old jokes are the best.

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