Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Maggie Haberman’s Late Night Phone Calls Continue On With No Sign Of End


“Ugh. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. Three in the fucking morning. Every time. None of them sleep. What?”

“Uh, hi. Aeroflot? I need a plane ticket. Preferably to Moscow, but Ukraine or Belarus will do, too. Whichever flight leaves first. I’m a Caviar-Level member.”

“This isn’t Aeroflot, Manafort. You called Maggie Haberman.”

“From the Times?”


“Well, shit, it’s not like I could be in any more trouble at this point.”

“Skipping town, Paul?”

“Absolutely not. Just wanted to get in a little weekend vacation.”

“In Belarus?”

“Or Qatar.”


“Maybe Morocco.”

“Why Morocco, Paul?”

“The waters.”

“Not the fact that it has no extradition treaty with the US?”

“Does it not? I had no idea. Wow. You journalists sure are smart cookies.”

“Cut the shit, Manafort.”

“I can’t go to jail, Maggie. I’m used to the finer things in life, like not being anally raped.”

“I hate these phone calls.”

“This is a witch hunt, that’s what it is. All I did was secretly accept payoffs from a foreign country to influence American government officials. That’s not a crime.”

“It totally is. It might be several crimes, in fact.”

“Oh, what do I know about the law? I’m just a small-town international lobbyist.”

“You work for dictators.”

“Hey, everyone’s got a tough boss.”

“No, not metaphorical dictators. You work for literal tyrants who have their enemies tortured and killed.”

“Yes, but I never sexually harassed anyone. I think that counts for something this week.”

“It doesn’t.”

“Probably not. Maggie, this ain’t looking good. Mueller’s got everything. He never stops. He never sleeps. He’s like the shark from Jaws, but taller. Maybe I could jam a scuba tank in his mouth and blow him up.”

“That won’t work.”

“Have you seen his mouth? It’s really big.”


“Jesus, I’m gonna get hosed. Why’d I get involved with these amateurs? That little fucking Kushner kid is gonna send me to jail. You know he came up with a money laundering scheme?”

“Kushner? What was it?”

“He said we should take the money, convert it into change, then bring it down to the Coinstar machine at the supermarket.”

“That sounds like Kushner.”

“Stupidest people you’ve ever met. Don Junior used to text me. ‘Hey, it’s Junior. How’s the collusion coming?’ I am screwed.”


“I’m considering throwing myself on the mercy of the court. I mean: it is my first offense.”

“I don’t think ‘first offense’ means anything when the offense is treason.”

“My lawyer says I might get probation.”

“Who’s your lawyer?”

“Lisa Bloom.”

“You should get a new lawyer.”

“Probably. Hey, Maggie? Buddy?”

“Not your buddy.”

“You got an extra passport laying around?”

“I’m hanging up the phone.”

“Okay. Listen, don’t tell anyone about this call, okay?”


“No dice, Mr. Manafort. You called down the thunder and now you’re getting the lightning.”

“Who is that?”

“This is Robert Mueller. I’ve been tapping Mrs. Haberman’s phone for months.”



“I’m everywhere, Mr. Manafort. You attempt to leave the country and I will know.”


“That guy’s good.”

“I’m going to jail.”

“Looks that way.”

“I’ll give you three million dollars in change to drive me to Bolivia.”



  1. I do wish mueller would let us know when the arrests happen so we can watch live.

  2. I have recently caught myself saying “DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER MAKE THAT NOISE” to tell someone that the person I was speaking to had hung up.

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