Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Maggie Haberman’s Phone Rings Late At Night Even On Holidays

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Oh, fuck me. It’s Thanksgiving. Why are they calling on…yeah, what?”

“Hello, Maggie. It’s me, Al Franken.”

“Asshole.”

“I’ve been hearing that a lot lately. It’s warranted. As you know, I’ve long been a champion for women’s issues and–”

“Oh, stuff it with that. Why can’t any of you keep your hands to yourselves?”

“Well, Maggie, sometimes the ass calls to you. You chicks, y’know, you put out vibes.”

“We don’t. Women let you know when they wanna hump.”

“Are you saying you wanna hump?”

“Senator, you’re in trouble.”

“I called Lorne Michaels for some advice. He’s pretty good with PR.”

“What did he say?”

“Didn’t have time to talk. Variety is writing a story about him that comes out Friday. It’s getting ugly.”

“Getting? You mean the decades of systemic harassment and titty-squeezing women have endured weren’t ugly, but now that men are paying for their actions, now it’s tough to look at?”

“I have long been a champion for women’s issues and–”

“Asshole.”

CALL WAITING NOISE

“I’m gonna take this and not come back, Senator.”

“Wanna come over for Couch Tour?”

“Good bye.”

“Hello?”

“Miz Maggie, this is Congressman Joe Barton, and I wanna send yew a picture o’ mah hog.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Ah got so many. All sorts o’ angles. Taint’s involved in a couple o’ shots. Some ladies like that, some don’t. You a taint girl, Miz Maggie?”

“It’s Thanksgiving, for God’s sake.”

“Yes, ah know. We havin’ a whole house tomorrow. Big ‘ol turkey. Yew wanna see a picture?”

“You’re going to send me a dick pic, Congressman.”

“Yew got me! Ah was. It was a trick.”

“I am a clever one.”

“Now, Miz Maggie, if you tell anyone about this conversation, it’s a felony.”

“That’s not how it works.”

CALL WAITING NOISE

“Who the fuck is this?”

“We could Skype.”

“Goodbye, Congressman.”

“Hello?”

“Maggie, it’s Congressman John Conyers. Are you wearing clothing that gives you free access to your titties?”

“Completely inappropriate.”

“Nah. Friendly banter.”

“Rough week, huh?”

“Everyone’s lying but me. I have done nothing wrong. You know what they called harassment? Sneaking up behind women while they were at their desks and laying my hairy root on their shoulder. That’s wrong now?”

“Not ‘now.’ Always. That has always been wrong.”

“But that’s my move!”

“Jesus.”

“I would say “There’s a mouse on your shoulder!” and when they would look, I would slap ’em in the face with my meat.”

“You can’t do that!”

“Sure, you can; you just need enough meat. Short-dicked man can’t play that game.”

CALL WAITING NOISE

“Oh thank God. I’m hanging up on you, Congressman Conyers.”

“Press the phone up against your titties.

“Goodbye,”

“Hello?”

“Ms. Haberman, this is Roy Moore and I’m going to get right to the point: do you have daughters?”

“Oh, hell no.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

3 Comments

  1. Dear ToTD,

    I need advice.

    I made a usb drive of dead shows for my wife, she became a dead head after the Fare Thee Well shows.

    The USB drive had Red Rocks Fall 85 on it.

    We spent some time together in the car the other day, and as that show came up, I learned the sad truth that she had been skipping the Frozen Logger song.

    I am distraught, how to proceed?

    Yours,

    Tor

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