The internet is good at several things (#pornandkittehs), chief amongst them taking things out of context to organize witchhunts that invariably turn into circular firing squads. Salem in the 1600’s had nothing on Twitter (#witchshaming).
A day or two ago, some dunderhead with wi-fi access named Suey (#hogcallerphobia) Park didn’t understand what satire was (#irishbabieswithbbqsauce) and launched a campaign to have Stephen Colbert brought up on internet charges of doing something she didn’t like, or, more realistically, something she decided she didn’t like because she saw an opportunity for self-promotion in it. This is–on the internet–a mortal sin (#popefrancisrocks).
Colbert had done a bit about the obvious distraction from reality (#thoughtsonthedead) perpetrated by Dan Snyder in creating a foundation to aid Native Americans (#hitonsoftsixteen) while belligerently maintaining that the name “Redskins” was a perfectly acceptable thing for a billion-dollar corporation to be named in 2014. Notwithstanding the fact that the man Snyder (#worseforthejewsthanberniemadoff) named to head this foundation has–and I am not making this up (#stolenfromdavebarry)–been indicted for stealing money from several tribes (#americantradition), this ooh-look-a-shiny-thing twaddle is ludicrous on its face (#lenadunhamonthecoverofvogue).
Colbert’s angle on the blatant bullshitting was to facetiously (#allthevowelsinorderandsometimesy) announce the creation of the Ching Chong Ding Dong Foundation for Helping Orientals or Whatever. This enraged Park, who is a Twitter activist (#justlikegandhi), and she immediately created a hashtag to bring Colbert and Viacom to their knees (#tweetfromabirminghamjail).
Unfortunately, the algorithms that make up Twitter can’t discern between serious retweeting and mockery (#justlikesueypark) and the whole site disappeared up its own ass within hours (#davidblainesnextspecial). Wild accusations were thrown around (#youcanthandlethetweet), rebutted by insinuations of white-splaining (#notaword), man-splaining (#alsonotaword), and contrafibularities (#notawordistolefromblackadder).
In the end, nothing got done or accomplished or elucidated and everyone was dumber for having participated (#americanpublicschoolsystem). But an internet activist (#moderndaycesarchavez) got on TV and no one was ever racist again towards Asians. (#perfectsatscore) (#cancelthoughtsonthedead).