Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Make Sure You Hold Up The Book

pope bible balcony

Hey, Pope. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a plugging da book.”

The Bibbia? Never heard of it.

“That’s-a because you no-a educated. Is-a “Bible” in Latin.”

You speak Latin?

“Of-a course! I’m-a from-a Latin America.”

Hey now.

“Pope-a made-a da joke.”

So, the Bible must be your favorite book, right?

“Oh, sure, sure. Love-a da Bible.”

What’s your second-favorite book?

“Lena Dunham’s-a memoirs. She writes-a from-a da heart.”

A surprising choice.

“Hey: I’m-a da cool Pope.”

Okay, but going back to the Bible–

“Love-a da Bible.”

–what’s the best part?

“It’s-a all good. You got-a da action, you got-a da Jesus, you got-a da romance. It’s a like-a da Bollywood movie.”


“Something for-a da everybody. You know who love-a da Bible? Da bambinos. Kids love-a da Bible.”

Do they?

“Once-a you tell ’em about-a da hell, they do.”

That sounds right.

“Kids don’t-a wanna go to-a da hell.”

No one does. You should stop telling people about it.

“Hell’s in-a da Bible. Gotta tell-a da people about-a da Bible.”

Is it actually in the Bible? I thought hell was one of those things that we all think is in the Bible, but isn’t.

“You-a gonna challenge da Pope on-a da Bible trivia?”

No, guess not.

“Don’t-a make-a me get infallible on you. I get-a infallible and-a what I say goes.”

How does that work, anyway? Is there a hat?

“You-a call it. Like-a da shotgun. Before-a you say something, you-a say ‘I’m-a infallible,’ and-a there you go. There’s-a also a hat.”

Magic hat?

“Not-a magic. Holy.”

Right. Those things are different. I forget sometimes.

“Big-a difference. One’s-a just made up.”

Right. Pope?

“Yes-a, my son”

You ever think about growing a mustache?

“All-a da time.”


  1. One time in like 3rd grade I went home crying from Sunday school because the teacher looked me straight in the face and told me that there was no way I could avoid going to Hell because (as I had confessed out loud earlier) I had said some swear words. I mean, this bitch looked me SQUARE in the face and said, “M’hmm. I’m really sorry. I just don’t know what to tell you. If you sin, that’s it. You’re going to Hell.”

    I was SO mad. VISIBLY mad. And scared. Do you know how bad that can fuck up an already extremely anxious kid with a wildly active imagination?

    I didn’t sin for weeks.

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