Hey, Pope. Whatcha doing?
“I’m-a plugging da book.”
The Bibbia? Never heard of it.
“That’s-a because you no-a educated. Is-a “Bible” in Latin.”
You speak Latin?
“Of-a course! I’m-a from-a Latin America.”
“Pope-a made-a da joke.”
So, the Bible must be your favorite book, right?
“Oh, sure, sure. Love-a da Bible.”
What’s your second-favorite book?
“Lena Dunham’s-a memoirs. She writes-a from-a da heart.”
A surprising choice.
“Hey: I’m-a da cool Pope.”
Okay, but going back to the Bible–
“Love-a da Bible.”
–what’s the best part?
“It’s-a all good. You got-a da action, you got-a da Jesus, you got-a da romance. It’s a like-a da Bollywood movie.”
“Something for-a da everybody. You know who love-a da Bible? Da bambinos. Kids love-a da Bible.”
“Once-a you tell ’em about-a da hell, they do.”
That sounds right.
“Kids don’t-a wanna go to-a da hell.”
No one does. You should stop telling people about it.
“Hell’s in-a da Bible. Gotta tell-a da people about-a da Bible.”
Is it actually in the Bible? I thought hell was one of those things that we all think is in the Bible, but isn’t.
“You-a gonna challenge da Pope on-a da Bible trivia?”
No, guess not.
“Don’t-a make-a me get infallible on you. I get-a infallible and-a what I say goes.”
How does that work, anyway? Is there a hat?
“You-a call it. Like-a da shotgun. Before-a you say something, you-a say ‘I’m-a infallible,’ and-a there you go. There’s-a also a hat.”
“Not-a magic. Holy.”
Right. Those things are different. I forget sometimes.
“Big-a difference. One’s-a just made up.”
“Yes-a, my son”
You ever think about growing a mustache?
“All-a da time.”