Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Making Movies

Why are you back in Sundance?

“Forgot my glasses.”

They’re in your hand.

“Ah.”

You ever ski? Seems like your kind of thing.

“Silvered at Innsbruck in ’76.”

You did not.

“Giant slalom. They called me ‘No Fear’ Weir. You should’ve seen the size of my thighs.”

None of this is true.

“There was a good couple years where I was considering quitting the band and moving to a mountain. Be the pro, bang ski bunnies. Really tempting.”

Why didn’t you?

“Well, you know: I already lived on a mountain and banged ski bunnies. Seemed silly to take a pay cut.”

Question.

“Shoot.”

How come you never did any acting? You must have been asked once or twice.

“Yeah, they’ve asked. I was supposed to play Starsky. Or Hutch. One of ’em. But, you know: I’m not an actor.”

“THAT NEVER STOPPED ME NONE!”

Goddammit.

“AH HAVE FOLLOWED THE GRATEFUL DEAD VIA THE TIME CAPE AN’ THE LISA MARIE!”

Get out of here, shoo.

“DONTCHOO EVER SHOO NO KING, MAN! LUCKY AH’M WEARIN’ THESE HERE SKIS. AH WOULD KICK YER HEAD OFF YOUR SHOULDERS, AN’ THEN MAKE SONNY AN’ RED BUILD THE BOTTOM HALF OF A SNOWMAN, AN’ THEN AH’D STICK YER HEAD ON TOP. RIP YER NOSE OFF, STICK IN A CARROT. MAKE IT ALL PRETTY F’R THE NICE PEOPLE.”

Why are you always here lately? You showed up once in, like, five years and now you’re a regular.

“YOU ASKIN’ THE KING T’ EXPLAIN THAT MESSED-UP SWAMP YOU CALL A MIND?”

True.

“JUSS ROLL WITH IT. BE GLAD IN MAH GLORY.”

Sure. But you cannot–

“AH WANNA KARATE WITH HAIRY GARCIA!”

–karate with Hairy Garcia. He’s not here. Or there. Or then. Wherever and whenever you are? Garcia’s someplace and sometime else.”

“THEN WHO’S THAT FUZZY FELLOW?”

That’s Bobby.

“AH WILL DEFEAT HIM BEFORE AH FACE HAIRY GARCIA. HE WILL BE A LEVEL BOSS.”

Don’t fight Bobby, please. Hey, I know: tell me some Hollywood stories.

“ANN MARGARET GOT TWO BUTTHOLES.”

That’s not a story, and it’s not true, and it’s awful.

“HOLLYWOOD DOES NOT APPRECIATE MAH SPLENDOR. KEEP GIVIN’ ME THESE DING-DANG OL’ PIECES OF GARBAGE SCRIPTS, MAN. YOU KNOW WHAT MOVIE AH DID IN ’67? CLAMBAKE. YOU KNOW WHAT MOVIE CAME OUT IN ’67? GUESS WHO’S COMIN’ T’ DINNER. WHY CAN’T AH BE THE ONE COMIN’ T’ DINNER? THOSE FOLKS WAS SURPRISED WHEN THEY FOUND OUT A BLACK GUY WAS COMIN’ T’ DINNER, ‘MAGINE HOW SHOCKED THEY GONNA BE WHEN THEY FIND OUT AH AM THE GUEST.”

You have a point.

“1969, AH DID A PICTURE CALLED TH’ TROUBLE WITH GIRLS. CAME OUT SAME DAY AS EASY RIDER, MAN. WHY CAN’T AH BE IN EASY RIDER?”

What, the Peter Fonda part?

“NO, ONE OF THEM GUYS AT TH’ END WHO BEATS THEM HIPPIES T’ DEATH. AH’D PLAY THAT PART F’R FREE.”

Okay. Please don’t karate Bobby.

“MAH KARATE DOES WHAT IT WILL, AN’ THAT IS THE EXTENT OF ITS LAW, MAN.”

Sure.

2 Comments

  1. Just because a jacket and pants are the same color doesn’t mean its a suit. There was no need for toe-covering shoes.

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