The Pope is in America right now: he is on the East Coast, so if you are also on the East Coast and need to go somewhere, you can’t. Unless, of course, you’re the Pope. He can go anywhere, but I’m unsure how much of an audible he would be allowed to call. Like, he can go eat with homeless people instead of Congress (good call, Francis,) but could he say “fuck it” and blow off the UN speech to go to Great Adventure? Would the Vatican higher-ups and the security staff listen to him? He is the Pope: whole point of having a Pope is that you have to listen to him, but even when it would harm his image and public status?

What’s the use of being Pope if you don’t get to go to Great Adventure?

Anyway, the Pontiff has the country in a tizzy, and social media hashtagging furiously: there have been custom emojis made up. People enjoy this Pope and his message of equality of compassion towards the poor; it is a refreshing change from the previous Pope, who enjoyed sitting on a giant gold throne and picking fights with Muslims.

This new Pope does agree with the old one on several key issues, though, mostly regarding women and their whorishness and stupidity and how utterly preposterous it is that you even suggest that one could be a priest. Both Popes share an opinion on child rape (“Don’t do that again! Last warning!”) and whether it’s okay to offer diplomatic sanctuary to men alleged to have overseen cover-ups, quiet relocations, and threats against families in the defense of child rapists. (Both Francis and Benedict think it’s fine.)

Theologically, they might not be that far apart, but the old Pope (who it should be noted always and forever was a fucking Nazi) looked like this:

[PDF] 12 Evilest Pope
And the new Pope looks like this:


Attitudes towards the Church are thawing, attendance is up, coffers are refilling: never forget that it’s all just show biz, and you can sell a lot more records with a Bobby in the band.