The new Star Wars merchandise was released today; it was Force Friday, which is a term thought up by the same guy who brought us the Core Four. You could buy all sorts of molded plastic, from Lego X-Wings to the usual action figures to the undeniably cool BB-8 you control with your phone.
There is all sorts of bullshit, for whatever your particular bullshit needs are: babies get Luke and Leia onesies, and toddlers get Darth Tater Potato Heads, and children get bedsheets, and the kids get the video games, and the young folks get the HD re-releases to watch during Netflix and chill, and the grown-ups get the high-priced collectibles, and the rich dudes get life-sized Imperial Guards to stand outside their Media Rooms.
Something for everyone, and it’s no shock: the franchise has been owned by Lucasfilm and Disney, two of the most opportunistic marketing entities since Henry Ford and Steve Jobs died and we all decided to pretend like the two of them weren’t the most hideous assholes ever born.
But even Lucas and Disney had things they wouldn’t sell. A sampling of rejected Star Wars merchandise from over the years:
- Dildo shaped like IG-88.
- Anal beads where the beads are Jawa heads.
- Hutt-shaped buttplug.
- Pubic wig called a Grand Muff Merkin.
- Let’s just tale it as read that neither Lucasfilm nor Disney allowed any sex toys from a bedroom far, far away to be produced.
- Not a toy, but the wookiee-skin condoms were also a no-go.
- Partially because no one wants hairy rubbers.
- You could either let the little person out of the suit or keep him in there and treat him like an actual Ewok.
- Do what you want: you bought him.
- Darth Vader-brand diabetes kits. (“I find your lack of insulin disturbing.”)
- Having Fun Onstage with Han Solo was an LP of Harrison Ford talking about Star Wars, which means it was two sides worth of Harrison Ford grumbling and giving one-word answers to questions.
- I’m in the Radio Adaptation was a novel that fleshed out the Biggs Darklighter character; it was about to be released when someone realized that, even for the Star Wars Universe, “Biggs Darklighter” was a stupid name.
- And Ain’t I A Droid? was a one-droid show written and starring C-3PO concerning the inarguable fact that droids were sentient, self-aware beings and that putting restraining bolts on them and wiping their memory when it became a nuisance to its owner was some seriously fucked up shit.
- Disney shut that down tout-suite.
- Disney would rather re-release Song of the South then discuss the droid independence movement.
- (I digress: maybe you can make a case for the restraining bolt: after all, we leash our dogs not out of spite, but for their own safety. But the memory wiping? That’s like lobotomizing a slave for being sassy, which I’m sure happened at least once because as terrible as the Star Wars world is, our actual world is much more terrible.)
- Sea Banthas, which were brine shrimp.
- Sea Wampas, which were brine shrimp.
- Sea Rancors, which were once again brine shrimp.
- A Tusken Raider rape whistle which you blow into when you’re in danger and it goes “HuhNAAAARH HuhNAAAAARH!” and that scares the rapists away.
- But they’ll soon be back, and in–
- Stop that.