“Have you met my family?”

I haven’t.

“My wife, Shelley.”


“The twins, Dakota and Fanning.”

Lovely children.

“Shelley’s homeschooling, of course.”

Of course.

“Private schools around here have no regulations at all about what the children’s clothes have to be washed in. All I could smell was Tide. It was disgraceful.”

Sure. There’s always public school.

“I would rather set my children on fire than send them to public school. You know why they call them ‘public’ schools, right?”

Because they’re open to the public.

“Right! And you know who’s in the public, right?”


“I don’t see it as ‘everybody.’ I see it as ‘just anyone at all.’ No standards. If you’re shaped like a human, then you can have a math book.”

That was what John Dewey died for.

“Ugh. Plus, the girls are special needs.”

Oh, I didn’t know. Ah. Okay. That’s a challenge, but good for you in working through it proactively.”

“They think they’re special, and they’re needy.”

There ya go.

“And, to be honest, a lot of schools don’t agree with our position on vaccines.”

No! Absolutely not! If you tell me you’re a goddamned anti-vax fuckhead, we’re having problems.

“Anti? Hell, no! Other way: we believe in over-vaccinating our children.”

Oh, come on.

“Three, four shots a day.”

Not healthy.

“The other day, we vaccinated them against the common cold.”

How’d that go?

“They both have colds.”

Are you confusing “vaccinating” with “exposing to disease?”


John, this is not your family. These are not your children.

“Is he right, Daddy?”

“Are we adopted?”

“No, Dakota! No, Fanning! You’re my children!”



“What did you do!?”

Wasn’t expecting that.