Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Meeting Of The Minds


Butterscotch. Tiddlywinks. Foot.

“What are you doing?”

Are you not listing words on your little board?

“Words that have something to do with my lecture.”

Lecture? You’re a lecturer now?

“I know, right? It’s like: where does he find the time in the day to master so many forms of performance? Guitar, singing, acting, Instagramming, and now I’m a teacher. I share my gifts with the world.”

Are you calling herpes a gift?

“Please go away. I’m busy teaching these kids how to write a hit song.”

Do you still remember how to do that?

You know, cuz it’s been a while.

Since you wrote a hit song. Like, a decade or so.

You not talking to me?

“No.”

Fine. Talk to him.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Nope. Not picking up.”

Pick it up.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Nuh-uh.”

Pick it up.

“No.”

CELL PHONE LEAPING FROM THE POCKET OF OVERLY-EXPENSIVE JEANS AND PUNCHING A GUITARIST IN THE NOSE NOISE

“Ow!”

Pick up the phone.

“I hate you.”

Yeah, yeah.

“You’re on with John.”

“Hot Dog Dick! Long time no talk!”

“Ah, fuck.”

“Guess who back? Back again. Un is back. Tell friend.”

“Don’t quote Eminem at me.”

“Slim Shady real hip-hop. No like Lil Xan. He disrespect hip-hop.”

“Why do you know who Lil Xan is?”

“Follow on Twitter. So much beef.”

“Why are you calling?”

“Back on top, Hot Dog Dick! Kim Jong-Un in news again! Didn’t even need to blow up nuke or kill college student this time! Gonna meet Dotard. Take selfie.”

“I don’t think the meeting’s actually gonna happen.”

“Will happen. Take selfie.”

“Kim–”

“Name is Un. Only Korean name go backwards. Children know this.”

“–no one is going to let this meeting take place.”

“I got ace in hole. Gonna talk Annoying Orange into it.”

“Who?”

“He on other line. I three-way.”

“Do NOT three-way me!”

“I three-way. You there?”

“Da.”

“Hot Dog Dick, is Putin. Putin, is Hot Dog Dick.”

“My name is John Mayer.”

“Nyet. You are Hot Dog Dick.”

“Haha! Putin call you Hot Dog Dick.”

“Okay, Putin have to go. Big election coming up. Have press conference.”

“You’re gonna take questions from reporters?”

“Nyet. Vant to gather them in one place so is easier to murder them.”

DIAL TONE NOISE BECAUSE PHONES STILL DO THAT IN RUSSIA

“Hot Dog Dick, I got favor.”

“I’m not doing you any favors.”

“Need new clothes for big meeting. Want to look sharp. Like Joe Jackson. You remember Joe Jackson, Hot Dog Dick?”

“Of course I remember–”

“Sang is different for girl. So true. Is very different for girl.”

“Please let me–”

“Help Kim Jong-Un, John Mayer. Need fancy outfit. Need be flossing.”

“You want me to help you pick out clothes?”

“Yes. You best at clothes. Much style. So fashion.”

“Dammit.”

“Yes! Kim Jong-Un and Hot Dog Dick have storyline again!”

“Dammit.”

 

2 Comments

  1. Mean, Green Devil Eating Machine

    March 10, 2018 at 10:52 am

    I told KJU about the hair and the background, but did he listen? No-o-o-o-o-oooo.

    • Mean, Green Devil Eating Machine

      March 10, 2018 at 10:55 am

      And don’t get me started about the white collar thingee. So you washed you neck and want to show off. Big deal. Did you wash behind your ears? Huh? Didja?

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