Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Mississippi Shortstop Too-da-loo

Bobby played football for, like, three weeks his freshman year, but preferred sitting down with the other team and just, you know, rapping about the will of the ball, y’know? So, Bobby’s coach put up with that for as long as he could, and then–this was the 50’s, remember: all the adult men were these horribly damaged veterans gooning around wearing slacks–that coach kicked Bobby in the head a good seven or eight times.

Billy was on the basketball team, but only kinda. His job was to start the fight. Half the time they sent Billy in, he wasn’t even wearing a uniform, just jeans and a sneer.

Phil and Mickey were in the marching band. Mickey was on probation after hitting that kid with a tuba. That sentence was not clear, so let me correct it: Mickey used a tuba as a melee weapon against a teenager in a polyester outfit that greatly reduces your range-of-motion. (This is true: marching band uniforms have ridiculously high waists that are held up with acrylic suspenders with NO GIVE AT ALL, so every single person in band shared the terrifying experience of “the time he put on his uniform BEFORE he drove to school.”  You turned into John McCain.)

Brent was a gymnast; specialized in the rings. Until the time his luscious, flowing beard got tangled up in one of the handles and nearly ripped his whole face off. After that, he concentrated on his first love: punching strangers in hotel bars.

Garcia played catcher for the varsity baseball team. From behind the plate, he dispensed home-spun wisdom to his teammates, swift pick-off throws to his opponents, and a never-ending stream of sass to the umpire, who will be played by Rene Auberjunois. It’s called Catcher in the Wry! and it will be airing following 2 Broke Girls.

(WAIT! Maybe Garcia was a juvenile delinquent and he got SENTENCED to play baseball by Rene Auberjunois, who is not only the umpire, but also a judge in the gritty 9th district! Judge Ump!)

Phil also played ultimate frisbee. That game contains an inner smugness that nothing can cloak; Phil wouldn’t be able to resist.

1 Comment

  1. you are so hard on poor phil!

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