We have, Enthusiasts, crossed a Rubicon. (I want to write a screenplay in which a character named Rubicon gets double-crossed.) Scientists used to think that the sound barrier was unbreakable, but Chuck Yeager thought scientists were pussies, and thus discovered the world beyond Mach 1. Knowledge accrues, and our understanding of the world grows. On the other hand, sometimes we gain wisdom and this just makes everything more damn confusing.
They didn’t used to speak. Have you read through the archives? You should. Guy from a magazine called me a genius for writing them, and I agreed with him; you will too. But they didn’t used to speak, and they definitely didn’t used to speak to me. Just little essays, or snatches of dialogue, and then one day Bobby started chatting with me, and the concept of semi-fictionality was born.
You’re talking about fan fict–
YOU FUCK THE FUCK UP, FUCKFUCK!
I hate you.
I’m just going to continue and hope a frat boy eats your face. And while I was gleeful about making bullshit up as fast as I could type, and cheered at all the new characters I met, and inanimate objects that kept coming to life, I was wary of using Photoshop or any other picture manipulator to fuck with photographs of the Dead, or others.
Luckily, Spencer and others in the Comment Section made that decision for me, and I’m glad of it. Without the Ministry of Truth’s work (that’s what I’m calling all you wonderful liars now), we would not have this:
And I believe the world needs that, whatever the fuck it is, I don’t know, don’t ask me, I didn’t make it, blame Canada.
But now, Enthusiasts, we have reached a new world, like Rocky Balboa viewing the Pacific Ocean for the first time, and the midwife to this enbirthening is none other than Portland’s own local super-hero, Mr. Completely, also known as the Tree Octopus; he fights crime with his hectocotylus, which is a fancy way of saying “arm-dick.”
What this wild man has done is unprecedented in the history of man! [EDIT: Mr. Completely has made a mix tape. It’s a real good one, but it is not a brand-new concept. TotD regrets the error.] Mr. Completely’s Sick 80’s Mix is, I posit, the very first semi-fictional show: it follows the rules of a show from 1980, but never actually happened. (You know: there’s not a first set Dark Star or anything.)
Completely’s self-stated goal was to make the best show of 1980, perhaps for Enthusiasts not quite familiar with the underrated year, or for newcomers, or for hobos to kill time waiting for the Zephyr Express to come through the switching yard, or for pet owners to play for their animals while they run errands. I believe he has succeed: this is truly the best Grateful Dead show that never actually existed from 1980.
Listen. It’s great, plus he spent some effort making the transitions disappear; honestly, after a bong hit or two, you’ll forget it’s a mix entirely. Plus the LL>Supplication and the Sailor>Saint are among Bobby’s best work. I have no quibbles, except for the inclusion of High Time, but that’s a personal quibble and hardly worth mentioning, so let’s not even include it in the final accounting of quibbles.
EDIT: Oh my God, that motherfucker used different sources for the Lost Sailor and the Saint of Circumstances, AND I didn’t notice at all, AND he FUCKING PREDICTED it in his notes. I am awarding EotD (Enthusiast of the Day) to Mr. Completely. Congratulations, but please do not shake my hand because your arm is also your dick.