Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Movin’ On Up

Enthusiasts, I have some bad news: I must leave you now for greener pastures, places where the sun touches you gently on your heinie and whispers, “Have you been working out?” An important job befitting my talents and ego and salary demands, a most stately sinecure for a deserving man.

I will be the next Head of Digitization for the Internet Archive.

Now, the Internet Archive doesn’t know this yet, but I feel by the time they’ve read this post, which will double as my resume, that they’ll agree: TotD is the only person to fill this position.

Location: Location: San Francisco, CA, remote possible.

Job Classification: : Full-time, Exempt

Senior management position to manage and expand our digitization of millions of books, audio records, films and videotapes to build one of the world’s largest digital libraries.

Reporting to the Digital Librarian, the Head of Digitization will have overall strategic and operational responsibility for Internet Archive’s 70+ digitization staff in 8 countries, programs, expansion, and execution of the group’s mission.

This requires managing people, setting up facilities, creating production processes, and working through process improvements.

These are the broad strokes, Enthusiasts, and I’m sure you can already see how perfect I am for this job. As anyone who has e-mailed me knows, I am very remote; plus, I am exempt. From what? Surely something. Perhaps many things.

I also have experience dealing with Digital Librarians, as my relationship with the Wall of Sound proves.

Can I manage people?  Yes, I can manage the fuck out of people.

Can I set up facilities? To a certain extent: an international airport is a facility, and I could not set that up. But if you’re talking about folding chairs and a router, then I could do that easily.

Can I create a production process? Why not, yeah.

Can I work through process improvements? How loud are they? If they are very loud, then I will have trouble working through them. Or if they’re naked; that would be distracting.

Here’s how much I’d like this job, Internet Archive: I won’t even point out your inconsistent use of the Oxford Comma.


  • Triple production rates and expand media types efficiently digitized

I think I know what this means, but I know I could do it. Y’know what? I’m going to quadruple production rates. First quarter.

  • Build production processes and manage to them

I’m gonna get the best productions processes. No one’s gonna have better production processes than me. The best, you’ll see.

  • Identify and resolve bottlenecks within the workflow that hinders quality, partner satisfaction, and efficiency.

Bottleneck, bottle cap, whatever: you show me any part of a bottle, and I’ll be like, “That’s a bottle.” NO ONE identifies bottles like me. (Honestly, though? Little fuzzy on cans. Sometimes, I’ll see a can and be like, “What the fuck is that shit? I know it’s not a bottle, but what is it?”

  • Develop new and interesting partnerships

There are several apps on my phone dedicated to this responsibility; if you lend me two hundred in cash, I could have some seriously interesting partners in the office within an hour.


  • Engineering degree with at least 5 years of senior management experience.

I received my B.S. in Calculator Science from Harper College and did my Master’s as Miskatonic where my thesis was in Ferroheuristics. Concurrently, I volunteered at an old-age home where I managed many seniors.

  • Desire to travel

There is nowhere I will not go to advance the cause of the Internet Archive, unless it doesn’t have a Four Seasons or it’s cold. I am legally enjoined from traveling to Ohio or the Philippines. (Both the bans happened within the same trip; funny story.)

  • Worked internationally in setting up and operating factories

I have set up dozens of factories, but all of them were in Canada. You wouldn’t know them. I would also be amenable to setting up a sweatshop for the Internet Archive, but we can’t do it in the Philippines. (It really is a great story.)

  • Unrelenting commitment to quality and efficiency

If there are two words that can describe me, they are quality and efficiency.

In summation: Internet Archive, you have a new Lord High Digitizer, the Scythe of the North. I require ten weeks off a quarter, $250,000 a year, a company car (Audi or better), and a secretary named Jenkins. I also need you to change the job title to “Lord High Digitizer, the Scythe of the North.”

I thank you for your attention, and await your reply.

1 Comment

  1. Number one, this was not posted by Breitbart11; number two, I won’t even point out their inconsistent use of the, er, Common Apostrophe.

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