Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Muchas Garcias

Into every life, Enthusiasts, a little pain must fall.

Rain.

SHUT UP I HATE YOU.

Really?

I’m emotionally naked right now.

Ew.

I was going to thank all the Enthusiasts for their various kindnesses during this, my week of tragedies happening to me through no fault of my own.

You learn nothing from your failures.

And you interrupted me. I was going to be all poetical. Some of that poignant bullshit I throw in there when fuckers aren’t looking. Then some dick jokes. Maybe a guest star or two. All my usual tricks. The Enthusiasts have been sweet and consoling, and some of them gave me stuff.

You love stuff.

All of my favorite things are stuff. And money. Some lovely humans sent money, and money is the best thing and money is the best stuff. Money is the king of both of those categories, large and all-encompassing as they are. You know what you can do with money?

Everything?

Literally everything not ruled out by the underlying rules of the universe. You can build dams with it, or buy ice cream, or have people boiled. Money’s like Green Lantern’s ring: it makes wishes come true.

Same color, too.

That’s deep.

It’s not.

Fine, whatever. Can you go, please? I want to be nice to the nice people. I’m planning on treating them to something special.

This will end in tears. Oh, fuck you. DO NOT bring Sleepy fucking Batman out here.

It’s not Sleepy Batman.

Good.

It’s Sleepy Batman’s sidekick, Emotionally Scarred Robin.

“HOW DID NONE OF YOU SEE WE WERE BEING ABUSED?”

This is not okay.

“We were CHILDREN, man! He kept us in a CAVE and made us FIGHT MONSTERS!”

Calm down, Emotionally Scarred Robin. Wait, we?

“He went through Robins like normal people go through lightbulbs. Like how a dozen dogs played Lassie. He was still getting my name wrong when he threw me at Killer Croc. I was 12.”

I’m sorry you went through that. Hey, at least there wasn’t any sexual abuse.

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? LOOK AT THESE SHORTS HE MADE ME WEAR!”

That’s no good.

I thoroughly disapprove of this new character.

No, he’s great. A child with PTSD. What could be funnier?

This was your plan to thank people for, among other things, sending you a computer?

Yes, it was.

I quit.

You can’t.

I know.

1 Comment

  1. You’re welcome.

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