katy-elvis-pyramids

“Do you have a plan for dealing with Kim Jong-Un and his nuke, Your Majesty?”

“AW, NOW. KATY, YOU C’N CALL ME KING.”

“Sure. And you will refer to me by my Ancient Egyptian god name.”

“WHASSAT?”

“Boobankhamun.”

“ABSOLUTELY NOT.”

“Can we get back to the plan?”

“MAH CHARISMA WILL WIN THE DAY. AH PLAN ON BRINGING THE JORDANAIRES AND THE SWEET INSPIRATIONS WITH ME. WE WILL SING GOSPEL TUNES UNTIL HE IS OVERCOME WITH LOVE FOR JESUS, AND ME SINGIN’ ABOUT JESUS.”

“You sing about Jesus very well, King.”

“AH ALSO SING ABOUT LIFE IN THE GHETTO VERY WELL.”

“True dat. So, your plan is to weaponize backup singers?”

“AH ALSO HAVE A FANTASTIC DRUMMER.”

“Uh-huh. King, I’m gonna make a phone call.”

“WHILE YOU DOIN’ THAT, AH’M GONNA HAVE ME ANOTHER PRESS CONFERENCE.”

“Great.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

“John Ma–”

“Where the hell are you!?”

“Katy?”

“Who else would it be, John? If it was Elvis, then I would be in all caps.”

“Sure.”

“Where are you!?”

jm-here-nowmirror

“Oh.”

“Right?”

“John, this is not funny. I have to confide something in you, and this is between us.”

“Okay.”

“Elvis might not be the best person to send into the room with the nuclear weapon.”

“You don’t say.”

“At least not in the condition he’s in. Elvis met Doctor Gary, John.”

“How’d that go?”

“Predictably.”

“Yeah.”

“It turns out that Doctor Gary is on Elvis’ plan, John. In the network.”

“Katy, Doctor Gary isn’t a medical doctor, he’s a PhD. And I think they might have revoked that.”

“Yes, but Doctor Gary can do all the things a doctor does. Wait, no. Doctor Gary will do all the things a doctor does. He’s not very good at some of them, but he’ll still do them. Don’t let Doctor Gary take your tonsils out, John.”

“I’ll try not to. What exactly is the situation there right now?”

“You know how reindeer eat magic mushrooms and pass out pure psilocybin in their urine?”

“Please don’t say Elvis–”

“Elvis and Doctor Gary are ripped to the tits on reindeer piss, John.”

“–and Doctor…dammit, Katy. You’re in charge.”

“Nominally.”

“Go sober all your idiots up and try to keep things cool. Please?”

“There might be a small hiccup in your plan, John.”

“What?”

katy-perry-drinking-jpg

“I’m not exactly the designated driver in this scenario, John.”

“Dammit. Where did you even find reindeer in the desert?”

“It’s Las Vegas, John. You can get anything you want if you’re Elvis.”

“Okay. Listen, just try to hold things together until I’m done sitting in at the Grammys.”

“The what?”

“Nothing; you’re in charge; don’t let the world blow up!”

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

“Where did Elvis go?”

elvis-hero-press-conference

“LOOK AT HOW SPECIAL AH AM!”

“Oh, right. Press conference.”