Hey, Yoga Girl. Whatcha doing?
Cool. Great shirt. Although on second glance, you look to be meditating more than doing yoga.
“Sure, but: look at me. I do yoga.”
Not one doubt in my mind.
“But here’s the thing: since I bought this awesome Wall of Sound 2016 shirt, I’ve been able to yoga so much better than before. I can yoga longer, and much harder; plus, my accuracy is off the charts.”
Is that a thing?
“I did Sideways Mongoose pose this morning, and met Buddha.”
Yoga is not Buddhist.
“It’s all foreign.”
Sure. How else has the shirt improved your life?
“I’m two inches taller.”
Wow. That’s something. And you credit that strictly to the shirt?
“I do. Also, the shirt has really good karma.”
In what way?
“A spiritual way.”
I agree. Has there been any downside to the shirt?
“I’m in a higher tax bracket now.”
I don’t understand.
“Since I bought it, my income has doubled.”
I’m going to say wow again: wow.
“In fact, I can promise any purchaser that their income will double, as well.”
HOLD THE FUCK ON.
“Hey. Is he your friend?”
Both of you shut up.
“He’s kind of a dick.”
He is. Do you wanna get a drink and talk about the shirt some more?
Seriously: shut the fuck up. You cannot promise things like that.
“It’s true, though.”
You gonna call her a liar? I mean: if you can’t trust a model from a stock photo wearing a computer-generated shirt, then what kind of world is it?
When you actually sell a product, you can’t lie about it. It is called fraud, and it is a felony, It is many felonies, in fact. It is also a sin. Stop that.
Hmm. You may be right. Wait, I got an idea. Everybody huddle.
Pss pss pss.
Pss pss pss.
“Pss pss pss.”
Great. Hit it, Yoga Girl.
“Right, like, so I was saying: buying the shirt totally may possibly conceivably occur concurrently to your income doubling. Or halving. Or remaining steady with prevailing market forces.”
So much more legal.
Not as fun.