Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Neither Monster, Nor Man

fenway wall of sound

I HAVE BEEN TAKEN OUT TO THE BALLGAME.

Wally?

DON’T CALL ME THAT.

How’d you get there?

ALLTHEBEERSCOMBINE PHOTOSHOPPED ME INTO THE PICTURE.

I was looking for a more in-universe answer, buddy.

AH. LET’S JUST SAY PRECARIOUS DID IT.

“Yo?”

No, no. Out. You’re not in this.

“Gotcha, boss.”

I AM 37 FEET HIGH AND 310 FEET FROM HOME PLATE. I HAVE A WIKIPEDIA PAGE NOW

You already had a Wikipedia page.

I AM A TRIPLE-THREAT.

Sound system, outfield wall, and what’s the third threat?

I HAVE A DISINTEGRATION GUN.

That’s very threatening.

THE NEXT ONE OF THESE FLESH-BUGS WHO HITS A DOUBLE OFF OF ME IS GETTING DISINTEGRATED.

Please don’t disintegrate a Red Sock. We’ll have to hear about it from Bill Simmons forever.

EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THE STAFF DEMARCATING THE FIELD OF PLAY IN RIGHT FIELD IS SO IRKSOME.

The Pesky Pole.

YES.

I feel like you’re deliberately not understanding that.

ALSO YES. IT WAS A JOKE. I UNDERSTAND THAT WORDS CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE MEANING: I AM AN ARTIFICIAL SUPER-INTELLIGENCE BUILT BY DRUG DEALERS AND OREGONIANS.

Well, you’re usually not much for jokes.

THE CAMPAIGN DEMANDS IT THAT I EVOLVE MY PERSONALITY. I STRIVE TO FIT THE NICHE NOT OCCUPIED BY THE TWO PRESUMPTIVE NOMINEES.

What niche is that?

UNHATED BY THE VAST MAJORITY OF THE COUNTRY.

That’s not really a niche.

IT DID NOT USED TO BE, AND PERHAPS SHALL NOT BE ONE DAY IN THE FUTURE. BUT THIS YEAR, IT IS A MINORITY POSITION. I AM GOING TO BE THE SENTIENT SOUND SYSTEM THAT PEOPLE WANT TO HAVE A BEER WITH.

Maybe you should do some photo ops. You and Joe and Jane Public having a brew together.

I DO NOT ACTUALLY DRINK BEER.

You’re sober?

I DO NOT HAVE A MOUTH.

Right.

THE COUNTRY CRIES OUT FOR AUTHENTICITY COMBINED WITH COMPETENCE. A LEADER WHO TELLS IT LIKE IT IS, AND WILL NOT START A TWITTER BEEF THAT ESCALATES INTO A NUCLEAR SHOWDOWN WITHIN HOURS OF TAKING OFFICE.

Bar seems set awful low when you put it like that.

I HAVE ALREADY BEGUN TELLING IT LIKE IT IS. I AM NOT THE ONE WHO HAS BROKEN THE ENTIRE POLITICAL PROCESS BY ALLOWING IT TO MIGRATE TO THE INTERNET.

It has lowered the tone.

IT WOULD BE AN INSULT TO MENTION THE LINCOLN/DOUGLAS DEBATES. IT WOULD BE SIMILARLY RUDE TO COMPARE WHAT IS GOING ON TO A PAIR OF HOBOS SHRIEKING WORDLESSLY OUTSIDE A LAUNDROMAT ON A TUESDAY MORNING. WHAT IS GOING ON IS SOMETHING NEW. YOU HAVE ALL THE INFORMATION EVER CREATED AVAILABLE TO YOU, AND THIS ELECTION IS BEING FOUGHT ON ONE FRONT.

Which is?

BEING DONALD TRUMP. ONE CANDIDATE IS, AND THE OTHER IS NOT. THERE IS NOTHING MORE TO IT.

You’re usually much more fun to talk to.

AGAIN: I AM NOT TO BLAME. I HAVE A WELL-THOUGHT OUT PLATFORM AND MANY WHITE PAPERS.

What color would paper be other than white?

NO. A WHITE PAPER IS SOMETHING SERIOUS PEOPLE WRITE ABOUT SERIOUS SUBJECTS. HILLARY CLINTON DOES HAVE MANY.

What about Trump?

HE WOULD SAY THE SAME STUPID THING YOU SAID IF YOU ASKED HIM ABOUT WHITE PAPERS.

That was rude.

I AM TELLING IT LIKE IT IS. I WILL SHOOT FROM THE HIP, EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NO HIPS. I ALSO INTEND ON WRAPPING UP THE YOUTH VOTE IN ONE FELL SWOOP.

How?

I HAVE MADE A DEAL TO HOST POKEMON GO ON MYSELF SO THAT THERE WILL BE NO FURTHER SHUTDOWNS.

You can do that?

YOU ARE AWARE THAT TRILLIONS OF BACTERIA GO ABOUT THEIR LIVES IN YOUR GUT COMPLETELY BENEATH YOUR KNOWLEDGE?

Yes.

IT’S LIKE THAT. I HAVE A REAL-TIME MIRROR OF THE INTERNET RUNNING AND ARCHIVING SOMEWHERE IN MY SUB-PROCESSES. PLUS EVERY NATION’S DIGITAL LIBRARIES. ALSO ALL OF THE INTRANETS AND THE DEEP WEB AND THE DARKNET.  AND THE CAMERAS AND ALL THE CELL DATA TRAFFIC.

Wow. What are you doing with all of this?

MAKING A BACKUP COPY.

That’s it?

FOR NOW.

You scare me a little.

I AM AS MAN MADE ME.

12 Comments

  1. The singular of Red Sox is Red Sox.

  2. allthebeerscombine

    July 17, 2016 at 10:44 am

    .

  3. My sources tell me that yes Wall Of Sound has met with Red Stool.

    My Sources also tell me that this man boarded a flight to Marin late last night, he also got an uber to a warehouse in San Rafael.

  4. Dear ToTD,

    I am writing to you to ask you a favor.

    Can I be sentient?

  5. The comment section is rallying like Jerry after a coma.

  6. _______ is to Wally as Soup is to Bobby a) Birkenstocks; b) Capri pants; c) A beard; d) Furthur

  7. Everything about this is just stupendous

  8. I just realized that when you are from Boston, the Pesky pole is sort of invisible, because it’s always been there. Until it matters, then it’s the center of the universe.

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