Wookiee vs. Wampa Wampa has about two feet and five hundred pounds on your average Wookiee, but doesn’t understand how to work a ranged weapon or call in an air strike. Point: Wookiee. Also, Wookiee have retractable claws and are capable of blind rages in which they get superhuman (superwookiee) strength. Plus, Wookiees all train in the martial art indigenous to their species, Ma’shk’rr (which is like Krav Maga, but even hairier). Winner: Chewie.
Darth Maul vs. Darth Vader Again, this comes down to tactics. I have to believe that Vader senses that Maul is going to attack him, like, days before it happens and then Vader has the Imperial Navy scour the planet Maul is on.
Boba Fett vs. Iron Man You’re kidding, right? Iron Man is an Avenger; Boba got eaten by a sand-vagina. Boba Fett didn’t even technically catch Han and the gang: he just stood there while Darth Vader did and–judging by his record–it was the right decision. If Boba had tried to capture the Rebels, then he would have putzed it up and Threepio would have accidentally knocked him over the railing of Cloud City.
Boba Fett isn’t half the bounty hunter that Dog the Bounty Hunter is. Boba is a complete bozo. Fuck Boba Fett. Winner: Iron Man.
Han Solo or Captain Kirk Again: you’re kidding, right? Han was a scoundrel and a rogue and never got fat. Chewie was a better sidekick than Spock, and the only time Kirk had a uniform as cool as Han’s original vest, striped pants, and boots was in Khan, with that maroon turtleneck/flappy tunic thing.
Another point in Han’s favor is that–while he may have gotten into many fights with aliens through his smuggling career–none of them were filmed, and probably didn’t look like this:
That shit’s just embarrassing. No way for a captain to behave.
Now, Captain Kirk was Denny Crane on Boston Legal for a while, and that was a wonderful program, but it’s not enough. Winner: Han Solo.
Ewoks vs. Tribbles Ewoks would use the Tribbles as Fleshlights. Winner: Ewoks.
Lightsaber vs. Blaster This question is a trick, as the answer is entirely dependent on whether or not you’re a Jedi. Non-Jedis who use lightsabers die very quickly, as only Jedi have the reflexes and Force-sight to deflect blaster shots, so basically you’re standing there with a very hot bat while everyone else has guns. Bad tactical decision. Winner: Give me a blaster any day.
Millennium Falcon vs. Serenity Another trick question: Han and Chewie have known Captain Reynolds and crew for years. Han and Mal have a semi-adversarial relationship, but have each others’ backs when the chips are down. Chewie, on the other hand, has nothing but love for the Serenity‘s occupants except for River, from whom he hides like a big chicken.
Luke Skywalker vs. Serena Williams Well, if it’s in tennis, then Serena is going to win. If they fight, though, Luke would just chop her in half with his lightsaber. This one’s kind of dumb, honestly.
Bib Fortuna vs. Alfred Pennyworth The butler wins in one round: Wayne Manor was a much nicer place than Jabba’s Pleasure Barge. Sure, the Batcave was dank, but it was tidy and there weren’t monsters sleeping on the floor. Also, Alfred works for Batman, while Bib Fortuna works for a giant crime-testicle.
Speaking of Batman, I am reasonably sure that at least once during Batman’s 70-year existence, Alfred has donned the cape and cowl and fought crime as the Dark Knight. Bib Fortuna has never even heard of Batman, let alone been him. Winner: Alfred.
Uncle Own and Aunt Beru vs. Uncle Ben and Aunt May Aunt May wins by default on account of being the only one not murdered to give the hero an Inciting Incident. I’d like to give it to Luke’s family because I’ve only had to sit through that story once, while every single human being who gets control of the Spider-Man franchise in every single medium he appears feels the need to tell me the story about Uncle Ben and the robber and Great Power and blah blah blah a million different times. Aunt May is not smoldering on her front lawn, though, so she wins.
Yoda vs. Miss Piggy They would fuck. They would fuck hard. Winner: Everyone.
Emperor Palpatine vs. A Baked Potato Emperor’d eat that shit right up: Emperor loves baked potatoes. Winner: Palpatine.
Hoth vs. Tatooine Depends. Do you wanna ski?
Yes Then, Hoth.
What if I wanted get a tan? Tatooine should be your destination.
Makes sense Sure.