Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

New, New England Blues

Some will say the penalty for Deflategate should be the loss of draft picks. Others think Coach Bill Belichick should be fired. A few think the Patriots should be barred from the Super Bowl.

The men (and they are all men) stating these opinions are weak-dicked sistersniffers. The penalty for these incredinly serious allegations must be severe and final.

We must nuke Massachusestts.

Hear me out. First off, Belichick’s going to keep doing this shit. Force him out of the Patriots? There isn’t an owner who wouldn’t blow a bus full of hobos to get him. A lifetime ban? For what? Doing this: pssssh? Ray Lewis has a goddamn reality show* and a Super Bowl ring and he (maybe sorta kinda) killed a guy.

So, you can’t get rid of him. And he ‘s not going to change. In fact, Belichick probably engineered the INT that gave the Colts the ball as evidence. He copped to the small infraction, so no one noticed the huge crime, which is that Belichick is breeding Gronks. (“WHY YOU MAKE GRONK?”)

How can the NFL show its corporate values and other things it says it has, or exist? The NFL’s lawyers have indicated that the NFL cannot be proven to not have morals. Or integrity, or whatnot: you know, the shit where you care about other people besides as commodities. Compassion! That’s it.

The NFL must make a stand! Many, many expensive suits must be worn directly at this problem! Children look up to our enterprise, which at its very heart is about fair play and sportsmanship, not just a math equation detailing how to transfer wealth from Group A to Group B via the means of crippling Group C.

Where will this slippery slope lead to? How about Nerf footballs? How about the quarterback has to throw an ocelot? That’d be fun. Why even play football? Why not Lazer Tag?

Where does it all end?

Here. Draw the line, Commissioner Goodell. Drop a nuclear bomb on Massachusetts and rid us all of this meddlesome coach. This is the only possible punishment for this act: begin raining radioactive hell on everything east of the Mass Pike. Or west. The whole state should go, trust me: it’s awful.


* I don’t know what the show’s real name is, but in my head it’s called Ray Lewis Screams About Jesus for an Hour.


  1. Great blog! However:

    Given the conditions of the game, a ball which meets specifications in the locker room could easily lose enough pressure to be considered under-inflated. Some math: – Guy-Lussac’s Law describes the relationship between the pressure of a confined ideal gas and its temperature. For the sake of argument, we will assume that the football is a rigid enough container (unless a ball is massively deflated, it’s volume won’t change). The relationship is (P1/T1) = (P2/T2), where P is the pressure and T is the temperature in Kelvins. – The balls are inflated to between 12.5 and 13.5 psi at a temperature of 70 degrees Fahrenheit (294.1 K). Let’s assume an average ball has a pressure of 13 psi. Since these are initial values, we will call them P1 and T1. – The game time temperature was 49 degrees F (278 K). We are attempting to solve for the new pressure at this temperature, P2. We plug everything into the equation and get (13/294.1) = (P2/278). At the game time temperature, the balls would have a pressure of 12.3 psi, below league specifications. Furthermore, given that it was raining all day, the air in the stadium was saturated with water vapor. At 70 degrees, water has a vapor pressure of 0.38 psi. The total pressure of the ball is equal to the pressure of the air inside the ball and the vaporized water in the ball. At 49 degrees, the vapor pressure of water is 0.13 psi. Up to 0.25 additional psi can be lost if the balls were inflated by either the team or the refs prior to the game. Granted, it’s unlikely that anyone would inflate balls from 0, but it easily could cost another couple hundredths of a psi in pressure. – For a ball that barely meets specifications (12.5 psi), it’s pressure would drop to 11.8 psi during the game… enough to be considered massively under-inflated.

  2. I came here from the Steelers part of the world where they say things like “yinz” and “pop” and “babushka,” and I prefer my athletes on the Jack Lambert end of the Handsome Boy Spectrum, and I’m more of a baseball guy anyway. What I mean to say is that I don’t give two poops about the Patriots, but you’ve necessarily involved me now. I beg of you, please don’t nuke me.

  3. Anchovy Rancher

    January 21, 2015 at 7:22 pm

    Drew, it’s “Yunz.” “Yunz Guys Goin Donton Ta Buy A Pond A Grond Rond?” My Wife was from O’Hara Township.

    I still say: “There’s nothing like a Dirty O Polish Dog With Everything.” Unless that Trey Guy is riding it like a sway-back mule.

    • No kidding! I lived in Dormont for a while, but grew up on the other side of the Ohio and am consequently more of a Brighton Hot Dog Shoppe guy.

      I’ll assume you are aware of Pittsburgh Dad.

      • Anchovy Rancher

        January 21, 2015 at 7:33 pm

        No. What’s the Birdseye Lowdown on that caper?

      • Anchovy Rancher

        January 21, 2015 at 7:37 pm

        O.K. Got it..

      • Once a year or so I get nostalgic for that half-Baltimore, half-Squidbillies accent and Pittsburgh Dad scratches that itch.

      • Anchovy Rancher

        January 21, 2015 at 9:07 pm

        The Little Woman (She was 6’2″) and I lived in Fort Hill, out south of Somerset, for awhile. Demo-ing the interior of an 18th Century Farmhouse. Serious Squidbilly Country.

        Pittsburgh Dad is pretty funny. Thanks.

        You mentioned Jack Lambert. My Wife and I used to imbibe at a joint called Tom and Tud’s in Aspinwall. Jack and Swanee used to come in, once in awhile. Jack liked my Gal ’cause she was so tall.

        I kept some dumb assed Kid from taking a swing at Jack one night. Ran him into a wall, headfirst. He ran out the back door. Jack bought the beer that night.

        Ah, Pittsburgh…

        Back to Nuking The Flat Balls.

  4. The Mass Pike runs east-west. Nuking anything west of the Mass Pike would be New York.

  5. And anything east would be the Atlantic. You would be nuking the whales.

  6. Anchovy Rancher

    January 21, 2015 at 7:39 pm

    I’ll be waiting for a ToTD Contest wherein: The First Prize is a “Nuke The Deflated Balls” bumper sticker.

  7. Does it change your opinion in any way to know that Belichick is a Deadhead?

  8. I agree about the nuking except can we make it Texas instead of Massachusetts? And can we make sure that Frank Streeter guy is there when it happens?
    Just kidding…about Frank…not about Texas.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.