Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

New Year’s Resolutions

  • Declare more evenings “lit as fuck.”
  • Switch from wine to whiskey, or maybe just start shooting gasoline into my veins.
  • Accept Dead & Company’s tempos.
  • Get into basketball. (I’m done with football, Enthusiasts. Didn’t watch at all this year, and didn’t miss it. I’ll check in for the playoffs, perhaps, and the Super Bowl is unavoidable, but this year was my breaking point for the NFL. What was it? Maybe it was the loathsome nature of all men involved with the league, from the blond stump of a commissioner to the Jesus-praising kickers to the antebellum owners and every single fan with a take. Maybe it was Basketball Head’s involvement. Or maybe it was the fact that watching NFL football is now like watching vintage gay porn: you know how the men on the screen are going to die.)
  • Destroy the Bear Clan in the name of my father, Chief Stanky Leg.
  • Argue more about Star Wars; I did a little of it this year, but not enough.
  • Maintain current levels of badness, and try to pump up my boujeeosity.
  • Finally go down to the library to read a hundred or so of those best-selling detective novels, shit one out, and make millions.
  • Market my line of supplements, 3-Hour Energy (which is just 5-Hour Energy in a bottle 60% the size).
  • Pfuck a ptarmigan.
  • Convince more strangers to give me money.
  • In a sexual sense, my nipples have been freeloading; that stops in 2018.
  • Actually read some of the books I’ve been lying about having read.
  • Go on more panty raids.


  1. Im with you on the Tempos and raids but my 49ers have got the Jimmy’g fever and there aint no cure. Also need to drink less not more, but wont be quitting no matter how many people I hurt.
    Happy New Year. 2018 cant be worse, Right?

    • NoThoughtsOnDead

      December 31, 2017 at 2:43 pm

      Oh, 2018 could easily be worse, sorry to say. My uncle wrote a book about a college town, and it culminates with a panty raid. Maybe you can find “Stacy Tower” at a library? It’s also available cheap on abebooks, etc.

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    January 1, 2018 at 11:15 am

    5 Minute Energy. where it’s at. good for tirades.

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