Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

NFL Approved Clear Plastic Box Of Rain

Those of us attending the upcoming Fare Thee Medium Well shows in Santa Clara should begin paring down our necessities now: it turns out everything up to pockets have been outlawed, including purses and fanny packs. (You know how Enthusiasts love their fanny packs.) It also turns out that the Dead’s bush league-osity is spreading, because “cushion” is misspelled in the “allowed” list.

Perhaps that kind of amateurism is why the rest of the banned list got lost. As a public courtesy, TotD presents Additional Forbidden Bags at Levi’s® Stadium:

  • Holsters
  • Murse.
  • Bandolier strap full of harmonicas/bowcaster ammunition.
  • Hobo’s stick-and-bindle.
  • Kit.
  • Kaboodle.
  • Steamer trunks, no matter how many stickers from Zanzibar, Rhodesia, or Burma.
  • Any sort of liquid held  in your cupped hands will not be permitted into Levi’s© Stadium.
  • Ditto any sort of gelatinous semi-liquids.
  • Baby Bjorn.
  • Papoose.
  • You also may not haphazardly duct tape your baby to your chest in Levi’s™ Stadium.
  • Oversized novelty hats, hands, or genitals.
  • Saddlebags.
  • Easter basket.
  • Subdermal pocket for your hold-out quantum switchblade.
  • Humidors.
  • Cigarette cases.
  • Vintage lunchboxes of any sort, even The A-Team.
  • Hope chest.
  • Small sacks of coins secreted within one’s pantaloons, even if you planned on paying for snacks by throwing it contemptuously at the hot dog guy while sneering, “I believe that should cover it, mm?”
  • Body bags, no matter what’s in them, you creepy fuck.
  • Those things that keep pizza warm: whatever they’re called, they won’t be permitted in Levi’s® Stadium.
  • Penis pouches.
  • Diva cups.
  • Cardboard boxes full of Chinese take-out.
  • You may not attach pistols to your forearms via quick-release mechanism and then hide the apparati under a long duster.
  • It should logically follow that Wolverine claws are similarly forbidden.
  • No one may portage their canoes into the Levi’s* Stadium.

* Patent Pending.

7 Comments

  1. I will never forgive the guy at the wicket at Kingswood (6/30/87) taking the whippets (the cookies, not the nitrous container) from my bag because of the “no outside food” thing. I was so pissed off.

  2. Speaking of Kingswood, why on one of their rare sojourns to Canada the y chose to play a third rate theme park (hanna-barbara land anyone?) in the middle of nowhere ive never understood. Although the 84 seva benefit with The Band at Kingswood (my first show) was awesome from ken keseys 2nd set intro onwards

  3. Anything other than original Levi’s* jeans will be confiscated at the gate.

    *copyright, registered trademark

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