Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Night At The Opera

You promised the nice people Thoughts on Queen.

I promise the nice people lots of stuff. Remember the podcast?

Why aren’t you writing?

Who are you, my fucking conscience?


Fuck off. I have discovered.

Discovered is a transitive verb. You need to pair it with an object or you sound insane.

I have made a discovery.

Better. What?

Well, Deadheads invented being obsessive about a band, right?

Arguable at best.

Dude, Deadheads literally invented the internet to talk about the band.

That is actually more than a little bit correct, yeah. Go on.

So, you know: no disrespect to Deadheads.

We here at TotD would never disrespect Deadheads.

But these Queen fuckers have their shit together. Look at this:

No matter how classy and foreign you are, one day you’re still gonna have to play Lakeland, Florida.

Right, but look at the graphic design.

Very clean and intuitive. Sidebar looks nice, too.

Better than ours.

Every site looks better than ours. The problem with Dead-based websites is that they’re made by Deadheads.

We should get Queen fans to make our sites.

Get on that. Gonna link to this place?

This place?

That place. What are you listening to?

I am listening to Night at the Opera for the second time, because I forgot to write about it the first time I listened to it, and then got caught up with nonsense.

That’s the one with Bohemian Rhapsody?


If you had a million dollars and the Time Sheath, would you go back and hire the Grateful Dead to play a cover of Bohemian Rhapsody just for how funny it would be?

Yes, I would.

Brent or Mrs. Donna Jean?

Both. I have the Time Sheath, so I would get both. I would require as many Grateful Deads as possible to be singing in the wrong key and forgetting the words to Bohemian Rhapsody as possible.

Lotta key changes and tricky transitions in that number, too.

Yeah, and if you miss them, they don’t circle back around. Not just a train wreck: a train made out of trains crashing into a building made out of trains.

A {train} wreck.

Right: the set of all possible trains. The very category of “train” would wreck.

Well, what Queen song could the Dead play?

The ’69 band could slaughter Brighton Rock.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Good call.

Kinda proud of it myself. Fat Bottomed Girls?

Ugh, I can hear them trying.

I know, it’s in my head, too. Sorry.

Is Phil taking the high or low part?

Stop it!

Post the album for the nice people to give them something to cleanse the palates of their ears.

Anything, Jesus.

The rest of the album gets overshadowed by Bohemian Rhapsody, but here’s how great it is: even if BR wasn’t on it, it might still be Queen’s second or third-best record.

All four Queens have sterling cuts on this one: besides Bohemian Rhapsody, Freddie has Love Of My Life and the Prophet Song; Brian wrote Sweet Lady (one of their more overlooked rockers), and another music hall number, Good Company; Roger added I’m in Love with my Car, which would have been stupid had it not been for the throbbing 6/8 signature that instead vaults the song up to gloriously dumb.

And John fucking Deacon, ladies and gentlemen, on the Wurlitzer electric piano with You’re My Best Friend, which went to Number One in a billion countries. It’s written in the key of C, because John Deacon wrote it as he was learning to play the piano. Did you write a Number One hit while you were learning to play the piano?

No. No, you didn’t. Respect John Deacon, damn you.

(It has been noted in many publications that Brian May’s ’39 is the only–and best–song about time dilation due to subluminal travel. Fewer sources note how eager Brian is to explain the song to people, so that they’ll know how smart he is. When anyone asked Freddie what Bohemian Rhapsody was about, he would say something witty, and then have sex with a roomful of people. Much better answer.)

So, this is ’75 going into ’76. The band looked like this:

And, as always, that is what Freddie’s chest and cock looked like.

I have no idea why Brian and John Deacon are imitating Slash and Izzy Stradlin ten years in advance, either.


  1. dude. that website is uglier than Trump’s buttcrack

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    December 13, 2016 at 11:13 am


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