“Fuck is wrong with you people?”
“Yes. You there. Why am I being dragged into your nightmare? I was the last national nightmare. You heard Ford, that simpleton.”
Mr. President, you have to admit that there are some parallels.
“Nonsense. That greasy little man has nothing on Nixon. We’re nothing alike in any way. Jesus Christ, it took me six years to fuck up half as much as that amateur. Do you know what I could have accomplished with the tools this wetbrained son of a bitch has? Senate, House. Jesus.”
“Just a shitshow. I could have won the Wars on Drugs and Vietnam with the potential support. Instead of visiting China, I could have blown it up.”
You would have blown up China?
“No, no. I was, uh, demonstrating the almost boundless power I could have in the same position as the baboon.”
He, too, has problems with the press.
“Lying Jew bastards. Post, Times, You know Ben Bradlee was a secret queer?”
He was not.
“Oh, yes. And the wife, with her fancy parties that the First Lady and I were never invited to. She liked to dyke it up. Twisted behavior. Naturally, they hated Nixon. They all hated Nixon. Not the people, you see. The people never loved Nixon, but they did not hate him. The press are vicious.”
They were doing their job, sir.
“Horseshit. They had it in for me. Since California. When that pretty-boy’s father bought him the presidency, did the press look into it? No, they were too busy laughing at Nixon. Sometimes the press would call the house and affect silly accents. On, uh, other occasions they rang the doorbell and then ran away. Naturally, this was disconcerting to both Mrs. Nixon and the help.”
I think you’re paranoid.
“Paranoia is the correct posture when people are out to get you. The press is the enemy.”
Well, there you go. That’s the exact same thing Trump said.
“I’m saying it to you, dummy, not the entire world. The press is always the enemy, but you don’t announce it into a goddamned microphone. Jesus Christ, how did you people become so comfortable with incompetence? President of the United States needs to be a man who can run a war, or run several wars, some of which are kept secret from Congress and the public. All I can see this fool doing is starting one.”
Or a woman.
The President could also be a woman capable of running a war.
“No. That’s absurd. Men are Presidents, women are First Ladies. It’s right there in the name.”
“You leave me out of this. Don’t compare me to him. Maddening. All of Nixon’s accomplishments, all the service and years and campaign miles. It’s slander. Or libel, depending on how the comparison is delivered. I won’t accept it, and the next one that says it is getting a sock in the jaw.”
It’s the Russian thing, right?
“I put Alger Hiss in jail with less evidence. That crooked son of a bitch is a Commie sympathizer. Why did they say that only I could go to China?”
Because of how unsympathetic you were to Commies.
“No sympathy whatsoever. Chinese Communists, Russian Communists, Cuban Communists.”
What’s differentiates the three, sir?
“Well, your Cuban Commie is generally far more tan than the other two varieties.”
“And closer. The Cubans are the closest Communists.”
Sadly, that is a factual statement both when you are, and when I am.
“The Chinese are, of course, completely nuts.”
“But the Russians? Patton was right. Should’ve done the job while we still had the Army there. Before they got the damn bomb. Only thing the Russians respect is strength. If you give Russia an inch, it will take Poland. A Russian does not have partners; he has enemies, victims, and stooges.”
Very strong, Mr. President.
“What happened? The man’s a damn Republican, and he’s hiding in back alleys jerking off Communists.”
The Russians actually aren’t Communist anymore.
“Once a Commie, always a Commie.”
“My God. Collaborating with them? No. Unacceptable. Say what you will about Nixon, but I have committed no treason.”
You totally did. You got the South Vietnamese government to scuttle the peace talks right before the ’68 election.
“Nixon was never charged with treason.”