Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Nobody’s Business But The Turks

erdogan facetime

“President Erdogan, thank you for joining us. I know you must be busy.”

“Always busy. Thank you for having me, Diane.”

“I’ll get to the main question: are you still in control of Turkey?”

“Yes of course. Why? What have you heard?”

“Sir? There’s a coup going on. Junior members of your military have taken the generals hostage and are occupying the capital city.”

“These kids today, right? Diane, there is nothing going on in Ankara.”

“There are tanks in the streets, sir.”

“Oh, sure. We’re doing a new thing where the army guys get to drive their tanks home and use them as family cars on the weekend.”

“What about the fighter jets, sir?”

“Pilots are playing Pokemon Go.”

“That’s not true.”

“One of them found a Rattaturk, which is very offensive.”

“So you are still in charge?”


“And where are you?”

“My office. The Presidential office.”

“And why are we speaking on FaceTime?”

“Because I am announcing that Apple is building a new factory in Turkey.”


“Yes. That is what the jets are actually for. It’s a celebration. Yay.”

“And you are announcing this from your office?”

“Yes, where everything is totally fine, and if everyone wants to take to the streets to support me, that would be fine, too.”

“Could you maybe pan the phone around, sir, or zoom out?”

“Oh, no. No. No.”


“And why not, sir?”

“It’s so messy in here.”

“President Erdogan, there are conflicting reports of your location, so I’d like you to confirm where you are. You say you’re in your office, but it doesn’t appear so. Where are you, sir?”

“Peanuts! Getcha peanuts here!”

“Who was that, President Erdogan?”

“I heard nothing.”


“Sir, are you at a ballgame?”


“Heeeeeey, man.”

“Who was that, sir?”

“I’m Soup, man.”

“President Erdogan, are you at Fenway Park?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Do you need a place to crash, man?”

“Diane, I need to go.”


  1. He is hiding in the Misty Mountains, of course (“they stole it from usssss”).

  2. ‘Wild Turkey’ Jerry Garcia

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