Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Not Fucking Around

That’s some fine Dead shirt-wearin’.

“Kidd stole it from a bootlegger in the lot.”

Looks like it. Proportions are all wrong.

“You should feel how cheap it is. My nipples get hard and this thing shreds like tissue.”

Why are you wearing it?

“Mickey yoinked my other shirt.”

Oh. Wait, Mickey is not in the band during this photograph.

“Right. He had the element of surprise.”

Sure.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“That’s me.”

Dammit, Phil.

“What?”

How many times do I have to ask you guys to stop bringing smart phones back to the 1970’s and routing your WiFi through the Time Sheath?

“Hey, man: my wireless deal is for unlimited minutes. I’m just holding them to their word.”

Dammit.

“I could be wearing my Apple Watch. At least with the phone, it’s in my pocket most of the time.”

True.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“I gotta get this.”

You totally shouldn’t.

“Have a sesh with Lesh.”

“This is terrible way to answer phone. Is no good.”

“I’ll answer the phone any way I choose, jackass.”

“I am not jackass. You are jackass.”

“Who is this?”

“Is Putin that is not from Flaming Groovies.”

“Good for you, man. How did you get this number?”

“Ve have infiltrated America, Phil Grateful. You see They LIve?”

“Sure.”

“Like that. But ve are good guys. I am Rowdy Roddy.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Rowdy Putin.”

“Commie bastard. What do you want?”

“You vill use restaurant to spy on dumb Americans. Listen to conversation of rich white people. You vill feed Mother Russia with information so ve can crush you. Restaurant now belong to Putin.”

“Restaurant?”

“Da. Your restaurant. Terrapin Crossroads.”

“Ohhhh. You’re calling 45 years too early.”

“Shto?”

“You have to dial the year code before the area code in this universe.”

“Ven am I talking to?”

“’72?”

“Hold, please.”

“Sure.”

RUSSIAN DIALING NOISES

RESTAURANT PHONE NOISE

“Terrapin Crossroads.”

“Is Putin.”

“I’ve been waiting 45 years for this call, you son of a bitch.”

“Da. Vat vere ve talking about?”

“You sucking my American balls.”

“No. Vas not topic of conversation.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“No.”

“It was.”

“Hold one second.”

“Putin take selfie.”

“Did the phone capture my balls on your face?”

“No balls on my face.”

“All over your face.”

“Face is ball-free.”

“Look behind you.”

“Is many small Mexicans.”

“They’re not from Mexico.”

“They look Mexican.”

“True, but they’re not.”

“Who they?”

“The busboys.”

“How they get in here?”

“Elvis was right. You got no idea what a weapon time travel is, do you?”

“You won’t get away with this, Phil Grateful. Rowdy Putin vill vin.”

“Oh, I’m sure. The busboys are gonna do stuff to you now. Bye.”

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE.

4 Comments

  1. Luther Von Baconson

    February 25, 2017 at 11:14 am

    ’72? Phil’s gonna call on Bobby & JP

    .

  2. Thomas Wilkinson

    February 25, 2017 at 1:48 pm

    Phil, double agent? Phil born 3/19/40. Trotsky assasinated by Stalin’s boys 11/21/49 in Mexico.
    Coincidence?

  3. Thomas Wilkinson

    February 25, 2017 at 1:52 pm

    typo 11/21/40, precocious phil

  4. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    February 26, 2017 at 2:47 pm

    Talk about your alternative facts! The Pres ain’t got nothin’ on yew!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

*