Brazilian physiotherapist Igor Simoes Andrade poses for picture next to jaguar Juma as he takes part in the Olympic Flame torch relay in Manaus

A jaguar featured at an Olympic torch ceremony was shot dead by a soldier shortly after the event in the Brazilian Amazon city of Manaus as the animal escaped from its handlers, an army statement said.Reuters, 6/22/16


“Sim, chefe?”

“What the hell is that gobbledygook?”

É Português, senhor

“We’re not in Portugal, Jenkins: we’re in South America. Speak Spanish.”

“Si, jefe.”

“These Brazilians are just being contrary, and there’s no need to appease them.”

“Si, jefe.”

“What can I do for you, sir?”

“Better. Jenkins, we need to set up a photo shoot. What says ‘Rio?'”

“Well, sir, so much: Christ the Redeemer, or the Copacabana beach, or Carnival?”

“Those are okay ideas, but not great. I had a thought.”

“It must have been easy to spot, sir, standing there all alone.”

“What do you know about jaguars?”

“The car or the cat, sir?”

“I didn’t say Jaguars, I said jaguars.”

“Ah. Sorry, sir. I know almost nothing about jaguars.”

“Good, good. I know absolutely nothing, so you’ll be my jaguar point man. Can you rent one?”

“I have no idea, sir.”

“Is there an Uber for jaguars?”

“I cannot definitively say no, sir, but I will tentatively state that there isn’t.”

“We need one, Jenkins.”

“Do you mean photos of a jaguar? Looking majestic and mysterious in the jungle and all that?”

“Of course not, Jenkins: I want to drug it up and have a physiotherapist wave fire at it while it’s surrounded by soldiers with inexplicably loaded weapons.”


“For the honor of Brazil! The world thinks we don’t have our act together, Jenkins.”

“And you want to prove it?”

“This will be great, and you will apologize to me for your attitude. There’s symbolism here.”

“Yes, sir?”

“The jaguar represents the jungle, which is Brazil’s heart, and the soldiers are Brazil’s strength.”

“And the physiotherapist, sir?”

“He’s my cousin.”

“Of course, sir. A few points?”

“Very few, Jenkins. You’ve got a jaguar to find, rent, and drug.”

“Yes, sir, but one of the limited number of facts I know about jaguars is that they’re not fond of crowds.”

“It’s more of a small gathering, Jenkins.”

“Or fire.”

“Barely a spark. More of a flashlight than a torch, really.”

“And they’re endangered, sir.”

“Oh, no, Jenkins. The animal will be in no danger. The soldiers will be there.”

“Homophones are trickery, sir. May I ask why the soldiers’ weapons need to be loaded?”

“They’re soldiers, Jenkins. Constant vigilance. What if we get invaded by Peru?”

“Up until now, the Amazon has been a bit of a barrier against invasion, sir.”

“Never know. Mountain folk, the Peruvians. A skullduggerous sort.”

“If you say so, sir.”

“Oh, and Jenkins? Make sure the soldiers look as sloppy as possible. Hats all over the place, the whole nine meters.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And spray the jaguar down with mosquito repellent. Can’t have it getting Zika.”

“What about the soldiers, sir?”

“If there’s any left repellent left over, they can share.”

“And the physiotherapist?”

“Fuck him.”

“These are going to be a great Olympics, sir.”

“Unless there’s military coup.”

“There’s going to be one, isn’t there, sir?”

“Any minute.”