Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Office, Sweet

This is Elvis’ desk from the upstairs office at Graceland, and you might think it’s perfect: there is a ceramic dog like the kind Wheel of Fortune used to make winners buy instead of giving them cash, and an organ so Elvis may praise Him whenever the urge strikes.

There are also two books on karate.

So how could it get better? What could improve this view?

Reversing it:

You think the King got all pilled-up and sat there pretending to be a pilot? I think the King got all pilled-up and sat there pretending to be a pilot. You think he made the noises? I think he made the noises.

“VRROOOM.”

Oh, go away.

“AH SEE YOU HAVE ACCESSED THE GRACELAND LIBRARY.”

This is the worst collection of books I’ve ever seen.

“ALL FIRST EDITIONS, ‘CLUDING THAT THERE BIBLE.”

It is not.

“MAH VAST COLLECTION ENCOMPASSES ALL MAH INTERESTS: POWER, JESUS, ALIENS, AN’ KARATE. IF JESUS OR CHURCHILL HAD DONE LEARNED THEYSELF SOME KARATE, THEN AH WOULD HAVE FAR FEWER BOOKS.”

Consolidation.

“OF COURSE, THERE IS ALSO A BACKROOM TO THE LIBRARY OF GRACELAND.”

What’s in there?

“ALL MAH SMUT.”

Sure.

“STAG FLICKS. DIRTY PLAYIN’ CARDS. AH GOT PITCHERS OF GIRLS WITH BIG OL’ TITTIES, AND GIRLS WITH BARELY NO TITTIES AT ALL. SEVERAL PAIRS OF ANN MARGARET’S TIGHTS ARE IN MAH POSSESSION.”

You wash ’em?

“HELL, NAW. THEY STINK REAL PRETTY. PLUS AH GOT ME A TELEPHONE RECEIVER AH STUCK INTO ANGIE DICKINSON.”

Elvis, that’s just weird.

“DID’N WASH THAT, NEITHER.”

Ew. Can we stop talking about your pornography–

“EROTICA.”

–and discuss what is going on here with this desk?

“THIS HERE IS MISSION CONTROL. AH SIT BEHIND THIS DESK AN’ AH CAN CONTROL ALL DOINGS AT GRACELAND. THE THERMOSTAT IS TO MAH LEFT. THE GATES CAN OPEN AN’ CLOSE WITH A FLICK OF MY BEJEWELED FINGER. THERE IS ALSO A PEN.”

I see the pen.

“WRITES REAL GOOD.”

Sure.

“ALL SMOOTH-LIKE. NOTHIN’ LIKE A GOOD PEN, MAN.”

What do you write?

“MAH NAME OVER AN’ OVER.”

Uh-huh.

“AH AM ALSO A DOODLER. AH C’N DO A REAL SWEET HELICOPTER.”

You’ll have to show me one day. What’s that thing in the middle?

“THASS A SCREEN. TEEVEE, SON. GOT ME A TEEVEE IN MAH DESK.”

Why?

“BECAUSE AH’M ELVIS.”

Okay.

“AH ENJOY THAT FRIENDS SHOW. WATCH THE RERUNS ON THE NETFLIX.”

What?

GodDAMMIT, who gave you a Time Sheath?

“FIRSS OF ALL, DON’T YOU BLASPHEME ‘ROUND A MAN OF GOD.”

You’re a minister?

“AH HAVE WELL OVER TWO HUN’RED HONORARY DOCTORATES IN DIVINITY. AH AM ALSO A POLICE OFFICER IN 45 COUNTIES.”

Sorry.

“AN’ SECOND: AH AIN’T GOT NO TIME SHEATH.”

Then how are you watching Netflix?

“AH HAVE A TIME CAPE.”

Goddammit.

“AH WARNED YOU ‘BOUT THAT, BOY! BOOKS AIN’T THE ONLY ONES KNOW KARATE IN THIS OFFICE!”

Sorry.

1 Comment

  1. Some old nobodaddy

    January 8, 2017 at 2:35 am

    A copy of a volume from the Warren Report? Wow, Elvis was really high.

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