Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Oh, Katy, Give Me One More Chance

John Mayer Leaving Larrabee Studios



“Katy, is that you?”

katy perry watermelon phone

“What, Josh?”

“You gotta forgive me, Katy.”

“I wanted the Dead for my backup band this summer. You stole my backup band. This is how the feud with Taylor Swift started, y’know.”

“How did that work out for you?”

“Earned me millions of dollars.”

“Katy, you don’t want these guys. You know how your musicians do what the keyboard player tells them?”

“Yes, that’s why I have to pay the keyboard player more.”

“Okay, this is the opposite of that. Although, you would now be paying the keyboard player less.”

“That’s good.”

“And that big hit you have, Firework?”

“Did very well for me. I worked with such great people. #BLESSED.”

“I’ll ignore that. Anyway, you play the song every night?”

“Of course.”

“And you shoot off fireworks?”

“Of course.”

“Bobby’s terrified of the things. Hides under Red Metal Stool.”

“Why is Red Metal–”

“Pleased don’t ask.”

“–Stool capitalized? Okay, sure.”

“Don’t put any Grateful Deads in your back-up band, Katy. It’s like inviting a dracula into your house. It gives them power.”

“I’ll think about it. Was that the only reason you called?”

“Yes. Also: Orlando Bloom is a tool.”


“Froofy little elfling with a concave chest.”

“You’re jealous.”

“Can he solo? And, if so: for how long?”

“This is almost sweet.”

“How do you go from a rock star to an elf?”

“He’s also a pirate.”

“Didn’t he turn into a lobster-monster?”

“I didn’t actually watch the films.”

“Way longer than they needed to be.”

“I’ve heard.”

“He was the weakest part, though.”

“Aw. And: yeah, I’ve heard. But, also: aw.”

“Come back to me, Katy Perry. Let’s wear clothes together like we used to, and then boff the way I like, which you’ve finally gotten comfortable with.”

“Please don’t talk to me about that when I’m sober.”


“We’ve had this talk.”

“You’re right.”

“I’ll do it, but I need tequila and half-a-vicodin.”

“Sure, sure.”

“Josh, we’re a famously on-again/off-again celebrity couple. Currently, we are off again. Deal with it.”

“How old is Demi Lovato?”

“Hanging up now.”

1 Comment

  1. Not gonna mention the briefcase?

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