Hollywood Stands Up To Cancer Presented By The Entertainment Industry Foundation And Event Chairs Jim Toth And Reese Witherspoon Benefiting Stand Up To Cancer - Inside

It’s a Father’s Day theme going on. Why are you here?

“She calls me Daddy.”

Get out.

“Me, too?”

You can stay, Katydoodle.

“Don’t call me that.”

How’s Dr. Gary?

“The disgraced Nobel laureate chemist who can best be described as ‘What if Bear were Chaotic Evil?'”

You’re so great at exposition.

“I know, thanks. Dr. Gary is fine. Or dead. Or he might be buying Gawker.”

He still making weird-ass drugs for you?

“Not drugs. Never drugs. Drugs are for junkies. Dr. Gary creates entheogenichodelics, and these are our sacraments.”

What happens when you take them?

“Soooo fucking high.”


“But you also meet God. Or sometimes gods. Once we met Gods. That was not great.”

Never a good idea to bother a pantheon. What’s the newest concoction?


Could you repeat that?


You can’t actually call it that.

“Oh, of course not. The name was came up with is Euphoria.”

That’s an awful name. It sounds like a fake drug from Law & Order. What does it do?

“Makes you think you’re in an episode of Law & Order.”

Then it’s a good name.

“It’s been a very fertile period for Dr. Gary. He’s made a real breakthrough on a synthetic opioid.”

Ooh, careful with that stuff.

“No! The whole point of alphabetagammahydroxytetragrammamorphonate–”


“–is that it’s non-addictive. You can take it every day!”

You can take anything every day. It’s the stopping that makes something addictive.

“We haven’t gotten to that point in the trials yet. We’re still firmly in the ‘doing it’ phase. Next is ‘not doing it anymore.'”

And when will that phase be?

“It could be anytime, man! I could stop whenever I want!”

This is not good, Katy.

“I’m messing with you. I wouldn’t take that stuff.”


“I made my assistant test it.”

Not as good.

“Yeah, I think she’s a junkie now.”

Dr. Gary is no good for you to be around, Katy. You’re America’s number one pop star and teen queen. You have a wholesome image, even though much of your success is built around your ample bosom.

“Hey, I’m not just a pair of boobs. I write my own songs.”

Doc Pomus wrote songs, too but he was a fat, crippled Jew and therefore didn’t sell out stadiums. You write pop hits, but are also hot with luscious melons. This was an excellent decision on your part.

“We work with what the Lord gave us.”

Amen, sister. Katy?


Your boyfriend is wearing more jewelry than you are.