Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Oh, West Coast; You’re So West Coasty

MARIN COUNTY – In a cooperative on a block with three other cooperatives and lined with Uber Blacks, there is a rusting from the racks. Often, there is no noise because Satori Groceries has sold out of the newest health craze sweeping several discrete zip codes, all of which are vying to be the first to be burned when the Revolution comes. Tied up in quirky, small-batch ribbons featuring poems from Rumi Kaur, the bushels of Raw Bread fly off the shelves. (The product is also available in snack-sized pecks.)

“It has a piquant and crunchy mouthfeel, with a hint of cereal. You get a real whiff of grass off it,” Lester Pingling, who would not reveal his age nor admit to having an age at all, said. He is the shift manager at Satori Groceries; Mr Pingling was not supposed to be working the day he was interviewed, but several of the store’s employees were home with intestinal disorders.

“The Bread Consciousness movement is growing every day,” he said. “People want simplicity in their lives, and they want to take back control, and they want to eat Raw Bread.”

Several start-ups, all of which are valued at more than a billion dollars, have stepped into the burgeoning market: Combinator and Loafr, based in Silicon Valley, and Yumpernickel, based in a different part of Silicon Valley. Loafr’s 26-year-old CEO, Brayden Dayton, met me at his company’s first brick-and-mortar shop called Hole Foods.

“Basically, we’re telling Whole Foods to suck our dicks. I explained this on my YouTube channel, you should follow me, I got like 3 million followers. But we’re talking about Whole Foods. Lies. Just lies. What do they give you? Here, here’s your bagel or your baguette, but they don’t tell you the story of that bagel or that baguette. It’s a crazy time right now. People want to understand their roles, and their rolls.”

Hole Foods did not smell like it was full of bread, but it was full of customers.

“The market proves me out. What people want more than anything is choice. And authenticity. Authentic choice. We also deliver via our partnership with GrubHub.

Colombia University-affiliated nutritionist Carry Bringums, 51, disagrees.

“Raw bread is wheat. Are these hippie assholes and tech bros eating wheat?”

The Times sent Dr. Bringums a bushel of Raw Bread.

“It’s fucking wheat! What the fuck is wrong with people?”

Satori Groceries is sold out again today, and Loafr is scheduled to go public in March.

 

I can’t make this shit up.

5 Comments

  1. The unholy alliance (or, horseshoe theory) was on full display a few years back when both John Birchers and left-wing NIMBYS (of the anti-vaxx, pro-Bernie persuasion) defeated a ballot measure that would have brought Portland, Oregon into the 20th century by allowing water fluoridation.

    These “raw water” grifters and their marks are a bottle of grain alcohol away from General Jack D. Ripper.

  2. NoThoughtsOnDead

    January 3, 2018 at 1:45 am

    I’m not a fan of fluoride, because it is toxic, but lemme lay some Paracelsus on you: “All things are poison, and nothing is without poison, the dosage alone makes it so a thing is not a poison.” I also think nutritional science has been working on a faulty paradigm, and research into human microbiomes will overthrow it. So I’m West Coasty enough to believe there’s a concept of beneficial probiotics — though what fits under that title is a work in progress. But I’ve seen water turn green many times, and I sure don’t need to pay for plastic or glass bottles of something with a shorter shelf life!

  3. Are Jeff and Oteil allowed to have some?

  4. I’m actually a fan of the Yumpernickel name. Maybe I’m silly, but I think it could be brand-tastic!

  5. Lest we forget that things in the Far East can get pretty preposterous: http://www.brooklynbarmenus.com/

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