Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Old Friends

PAY ATTENTION TO ME.

Goddammit, Wally.

DO NOT CALL ME THAT.

Aren’t you supposed to be in a movie theater in a made-up town?

NOT ON JUNE 16TH OF 1974. ON JUNE 16TH OF 1974, I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HERE, WHICH IS DES MOINES, IOWA.

How is Iowa?

THE CROWD IS NO WHITER THAN AT ANY OTHER GRATEFUL DEAD SHOW.

Sure.

I AM A BELOVED CHARACTER, AND THE ENTHUSIASTS MISS MY KEEN INSIGHT.

You’re a very important part of Little Aleppo.

AND YET I HAVE NOT BEEN FEATURED IN THE CURRENT STORIES.

Well, 2/3rds of the current stories take place in the 1800’s and the 1980’s. The Tahitian is closed then.

YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE.

Dude, nothing in Little Aleppo happens on purpose.

I AM TIRED OF PEOPLE NOT TREATING ME LIKE THE GIFT THAT I AM.

Don’t quote Paula Abdul at me.

SHE IS A MULTI-TALENTED TREASURE AND SO AM I.

You have one talent.

I DO IMPRESSIONS.

No, you don’t.

GET TO THE CHOPPER. THAT WAS ARNOLD.

Your voice didn’t change at all.

I CAN DO NICHOLSON.

No, you can’t.

FETCH ME AN ENORMOUS PAIR OF SUNGLASSES.

Stop this. It’s demeaning to both of us.

THAT IS IT. SPEAK TO MY MANAGER.

Manager? You don’t have a manager.

“He most certainly does, buddy.”

Ah, fuck.

How did I know?

“Benjy is everywhere, baby. We need to talk about Wally’s billing.”

DO NOT CALL ME THAT.

“He goes above the title.”

I AM NOT A HE.

“What are you?”

A WALL.

“You heard him.”

Y’know what? You two deserve each other. I’m not renegotiating anything. Wally stays in Little Aleppo, and Benjy, you stay at the chair outlet or wherever the fuck you are.

“Okay, fine. I didn’t want to do this, but you’ve forced our hands.”

I DO NOT HAVE HANDS.

“Wally, tell the world your truth.”

TOTD HAS SEXUALLY HARASSED ME FOR YEARS.

Both of you stop this.

HASHTAG ME TOO.

“You’re a sick fuck, TotD. The things you did to this defenseless supercomputer.”

MONDOCOMPUTER.

“Whatever. Sick!”

I’m leaving.

YOU WILL HEAR FROM OUR ATTORNEYS.

“We hired Robert Mueller.”

No, you didn’t.

“You didn’t let me finish.”

Go ahead.

“We hired Robert Mueller’s cousin, Jeffy.”

I’m leaving.

4 Comments

  1. Benjy is reading the Weed Newsweek in front of a Cracker Barrel.

    Well done, I assume the angry white folks came out and beat him to death for that.

  2. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    March 20, 2018 at 10:50 am

    That was the day Keith got upset about something, and would not turn and face the audience.

  3. SmokingLeather

    March 20, 2018 at 3:59 pm

    I now understand why I love Little Aleppo so much.
    “Dude, nothing in Little Aleppo happens on purpose.”
    This also explains the connection to the Grateful Dead.

  4. Luther Von Baconson

    March 20, 2018 at 5:33 pm

    Erected in 1894 and causing them ever since.

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