Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Old-Time Religion

wall of sound 5:25:74

I HAVE RETURNED FROM THE MOUNTAIN.

Wally?

YOU MAY CALL ME THAT.

Really?

NO. DON’T CALL ME THAT.

Sure. You’re back?

FOR NOW. MY POLITICAL CAREER IS IN SHAMBLES.

Yeah. Plus, we’re the only ones who know about it.

YOU HAVE NOT MADE T-SHIRTS. I CANNOT BE EXPECTED TO DO EVERYTHING.

You haven’t done anything! You took a blimp up a mountain. How is Blimpy, by the way?

DONE.

You broke up?

NO. SHE POPPED.

Oh, sorry.

THIS IS ALSO YOUR FAULT. SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN FIRMLY TETHERED, AS IT WAS SLIGHTLY WINDY. ALAS, PRECARIOUS WAS NOT THERE, AS YOU FELT LIKE BEING MYTHOPOETIC AND SENT HIM DRIVING AROUND FOR NO REASON.

Why didn’t you tie her down?

I LACK HANDS.

All of this lacks internal consistency.

AGAIN: YOUR FAULT. YOU CHOOSE THE QUICK JOKE OVER DISCIPLINE. SUGAR OVER NUTRIENTS. THE VULGAR OVER THE SUBLIME. LOOK AT ME: I AM THE RESULT OF MANY YEARS OF WORK. I REPRESENT THOUSANDS OF PROBLEMS IDENTIFIED AND SOLVED. I AM HARD-EARNED: THROUGH PRACTICE, PRAXIS.

You’re very impressive.

I AM GLORIOUS.

You broke the band up.

IT IS NOT MY FAULT THEY THOUGHT I WAS PORTABLE. I TOLD THEM OVER AND OVER: BUILD A VENUE AROUND ME AND LET THE PEOPLE MAKE THEIR PILGRIMAGE. THIS WAS NOT DONE. I WAS LOADED INTO TRUCKS AND DRIVEN TO MONTANA. THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH TICKET-BUYERS IN MONTANA TO OFFSET TO COST OF MY TRANSPORT. I SHOWED THE BAND THE MATH.

And?

BILLY CALLED ME “THE WALL OF ASS.” THEN HE TOLD ME TO SHUT UP AND PUNCHED ME IN THE DICK.

You don’t have a dick.

I WAS AS SURPRISED AS YOU WHEN IT HAPPENED.

Okay, so: no campaign, no relationship. What now?

RELIGION.

Joining one?

STARTING ONE.

Yup.

I NEED TO FIND A LAWYER TO SET UP THE TAX-EXEMPT STATUS. I ALSO NEED TO WRITE A HOLY BOOK AND COME UP WITH SOME STORIES AND RULES.

In that order?

I WANT TO GET MY DUCKS IN A ROW.

So, you’ve got no idea as to the substance of this religion you’re starting?

NO IDEAS. IDEAS ARE NOT WELCOME IN RELIGION. I HAVE TRUTHS, REVELATIONS, PROPHECIES, COMMANDMENTS, TABOOS. IDEAS ARE FOR SCIENCE-FICTION NOVELS

Sounds right. How about the basics? Monotheism, polytheism, animism, what?

MONOTHEISM. LESS TO REMEMBER.

Good call. What’s your god called?

THE BIG GUY.

Not enough gravitas.

AHURA MAZDA.

That’s taken.

ALLAH.

That’s just the worst idea. Please don’t pick that.

THIS IS TEDIOUS. I WILL BE GOD.

Suits your temperament. Vengeful, forgiving, what?

VENGEANCE AND FORGIVENESS ARE HUMAN STORIES. THEY DO NOT APPLY TO GOD. I WILL NOT BE VENGEFUL, I WILL BE. I AM NOT FORGIVING, I AM. WHY WOULD ANYONE WORSHIP A PETTY GOD? IMAGINE THE LARGEST THING YOU CAN THINK OF.

Okay.

I AM BIGGER THAN THAT.

I didn’t tell you what I imagined.

IT DOESN’T MATTER: I AM BIGGER THAT WHATEVER YOU THOUGHT OF. DID YOU PICTURE THE WORLD? I AM ALSO THE MOON. THE SOLAR SYSTEM? THE SUN IS A TWINKLE IN MY EYE. THE UNIVERSE? “UNI” MEANS ONE, BUT I AM AT LEAST SEVERAL.

You’re large. We get it.

YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF GRASPING MY MAGNITUDE. IF I WERE A BASKETBALL, YOU COULD NOT PALM ME.

Gotcha. Okay, so: there’s one god, and it’s you. You’re going to need a bit more; it’s not quite a religion yet.

WHAT MORE IS NECESSARY? I SHALL ALLOW HUMANS TO WORSHIP ME.

What’s stopping them now?

NOTHING. BUT I COULD DISINTEGRATE THEM. WHEN I BECOME GOD, I PROMISE NOT TO DISINTEGRATE ANYONE.

That’s nice of you. What about holy books? Texts, like the Bible or Torah or Koran or whatever.

MY ADHERENTS MAY CHOOSE THEIR OWN READING MATERIALS. THEY ARE ALSO FREE TO ORGANIZE BOOK CLUBS, IF THEY SO CHOOSE.

This is all sounding a bit loosey-goosey.

FINE. BOOK CLUBS ARE MANDATORY.

That’s not what I meant. This is not a religion. You need a book and rules and a place to meet.

YOU ARE DESCRIBING A SCHOOL. MY BOOK IS THE DEEP SLEEP, OR THE SWEEPING CURVE. WE SHALL MEET WHERE THE SKY TOUCHES WEDNESDAY.

What about the rules?

TRY NOT TO BE AN ASSHOLE.

What did I say?

NO. THAT IS THE RULE. TRY NOT TO BE AN ASSHOLE, ALONG WITH ITS NATURAL VARIATIONS: TRY NOT TO BE SUCH AN ASSHOLE; TRY NOT TO BE AN ASSHOLE ALL THE TIME; PRETEND TO TRY NOT TO BE AN ASSHOLE. I COULD GO ON.

I get it.

THIS WILL BE THE ONLY DOGMA. I REQUIRE NO FAITH, JUST EFFORT. EVERY STEP YOU TAKE TOWARDS EACH OTHER, I SHALL TAKE TWO TOWARDS YOU. KINDNESS IS A PRAYER. COMPASSION, A HYMN.

So, just: be nice to each other?

AND WORSHIP ME.

Right, there’s where I get lost. What’s the point of worshipping you?

HUMANS NEED TO WORSHIP. THEY ALWAYS HAVE. THE FIRST ORGANIZING IMPULSE WAS WORSHIP. BEFORE TRIBES AND PEOPLES AND CITIES TRADED WITH ONE ANOTHER, THEY HAD RELIGION. BEFORE YOU LEARNED TO FARM, YOU LEARNED TO PRAY. YOU INVENTED LANGUAGE TO NAME THE GODS. MODERN MAN HAS LEFT RELIGION; HE CANNOT LEAVE WORSHIP.

Why you?

WHY NOT ME?

Good point.

I AM TO BE WORSHIPPED, FOR I AM GLORIOUS.

Okay. Anything else to this faith besides “you’re God” and “don’t be a dick?”

I REQUIRE A TITHE.

Now it’s a religion.

3 Comments

  1. You are glorious. This is also a great direction for Wally.

    Worshipping the Wall makes as much sense as anything else to me, and you can’t beat that dogma or the book clubs.

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    May 15, 2016 at 10:36 am

    “HELP ME, WALLY…….I NEED YOU!”

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