Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

On The Beach

Parts of a mutilated body have washed up on the sands of Copacabana beach in Rio de Janeiro just meters from where beach volleyball athletes will compete in the upcoming Olympics.

The discovery is the latest to unnerve the city as it grapples with rising crime, a recession and exhausted state finances at a time when it hoped to be celebrating the first Olympics ever held in South America.

It was unclear Wednesday afternoon what conditions may have led to the mutilated body but a policeman standing guard by a security perimeter confirmed its existence to Reuters. – The Guardian, 6/29/16

“Jenkins!”

Sim chefe?

“It’s an emergency, Jenkins: speak English.”

“Yes, boss.”

“This is not good.”

“No, sir.”

“There’s never a good time for a corpse to wash up onto the beach, but this was the worst possible time.”

“Well, during the game itself, sir.”

“Jenkins, you’ll be the next corpse on the beach if you keep that up.”

“Sorry, sir.”

“We need to spin this. What did we say after the soldier shot the jaguar during the photo shoot?”

“We talked about the world-class aim of Brazilian soldiers, sir.”

“Was the corpse shot? Maybe we can reuse that.”

“Probably not a good idea to imply that our military is murdering people and throwing them in the sea, sir.”

“Good idea, Jenkins. We need to stay on the army’s good side.”

“Any word on when the coup starts, sir?”

“Hopefully before the tourists get here.”

“Hopefully.”

“I’ve got it, Jenkins! We say that people are so excited for our Olympics, that they’re dying to get in.”

“Good God, no, sir.”

“Okay, okay. Ah! How about ‘See? The raw sewage isn’t the worst thing that could be in the water?'”

“Please don’t say these things to anyone but me, sir.”

“Ah, Jenkins. This is a tough one. It’s a real bad look.”

“We need to cancel the Games, sir.”

“What? In our moment of triumph?”

“Do you watch horror movies, sir?”

“Get to the point, Jenkins.”

“This is the first reel of a horror film. Where the heroes are driving to the cabin, or the camp, or the woods. And creepy things keep happening, and bad omens keep occurring. We need to turn the van around and go home.”

“We can’t, Jenkins.”

“Why not, sir?”

“We don’t have enough money for gas.”

1 Comment

  1. have they tested the corpse for zika yet? what is the relative size of its head? or is the head not one of the extant parts?

    things are really not going well.

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