Why are you in the bathtub?
“Rest of the room is on fire.”
“It’s more of a smolder-type deal now, but you get the drift, man.”
What about a pipe? Maybe if you smoked a pipe, you’d set fewer hotel rooms on fire.
“A pipe? Like Sherlock Holmes? What are those suckers called, the big ones? A calaboose?”
“Right, right. What’s a calaboose?”
A jail cell.
“Y’know the thing about jail? No fun.”
I knew that.
“Well, to be honest, it varies. Last couple times I got arrested weren’t that bad. The cops let me sit in an office and smoke. One of ’em brought me a meatball sub.”
Can’t complain about that.
“I asked for a meatball parm.”
Okay, you can complain a little. Seriously, though: one of these days, you’re going to start a big fire.
“Yeah, maybe. We tried hiring a kid to sit up with me and pluck the cigarette from my hand when I nodded off.”
How’d that turn out?
“I set him on fire by accident.”