Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Only Elvis Could Go To Vegas

Oh, God, what are you doing?

“PRESIDENT NIXON DONE COME UP WITH A STRATEGY.”

Don’t let him do that. He doesn’t do that. I do that. Stop improvising and stay in the Oval Office.

“WE TRAVELIN’ THE WORLD DRUMMIN’ UP SUPPORT FOR OUR PLAN T’ GO TO 2017 AN’ HALT ALL THE HAPPENINGS. KISSINGER LIKES THE PLAN, AND THASS A MAN WITH KNOWLEDGE.”

Do not ask Kissinger for notes, Elvis.

“AH WILL ASSEMBLE THE NATIONS OF TH’ WORLD, JUST LIKE AH ASSEMBLED MAH MIGHTY VEGAS BAND.”

I truly need the past to stop making armed incursions into the present.

“NO CAN DO, WHITE BELT. WE GONNA ROUND UP A POSSE AN’ AMBLE ON OVER TO D.C. AND SEE WHAT’S WHAT.”

Is that how you think this works?

“YOU GONNA TELL ME ‘BOUT THE CONSTITUTION, BOY?”

If necessary.

“HOW MANY MAJOR MOTION HOLLYWOOD PICTURES YOU STARRED IN?”

None.

“ALL RIGHT, THEN. SO AH GUESS AH KNOW MORE ‘BOUT THE CONSTITUTION.”

You can’t argue with that logic. How far down does that jacket go?

“THAT’S A GOOD EYE F’R NOTICIN’ HOW WUNNERFUL AH LOOK. CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU AN’ ANY YOUNG CHILDR’N YOU MIGHT HAVE.”

Thank you.

“AH HAVE COMBINED A COAT WITH A CAPE. SOME O’ MAH KINGLY DUTIES REQUIRE FORMALITY, SO AH NEED A COAT, BUT AH ALSO WANNA LOOK LIKE A SUPERHERO. AH CALL IT THE COAT-APE.”

Imaginative.

“AN’ AH WAS SAYIN’ IT, RIGHT? COAT-APE, COAT-APE. AN’ WHAT DOES OL’ CHARLIE HODGE DO? HE GETS RIGHT DOWN ON TH’ FLOOR, STARTS DOIN’ THE COAT-APE. HE’S HOOTIN’ AN’ HOLLERIN’. WE ALL DAMN NEAR BUSTED A GUT, MAN.”

That’s cute.

“THEN LIKE A WEEK LATER, AH WANTED T’ SEE CHARLIE DO THE COAT-APE AGAIN. BUT, SEE, CHARLIE WASN’T IN TH’ MOOD. SO AH FIRED THREE ROUNDS RIGHT NEAR HIS FEET AN’ MADE HIM DO THE DAMN COAT-APE. AND WHEN HE’S DOIN’ IT, AH THROW MCDONALD’S GIFT CERTIFICATES AT HIM UNTIL HE CRIES.”

That’s terrible.

“CRYIN’ LITTLE COAT-APE.”

You’re a monster. Why are you standing in front of hats?

“THEY HAVE COUNTRIES ON ‘EM.”

And?

“COALITION, MAN.”

You haven’t been briefed on Nixon’s plan, have you?

“HE MAY HAVE TAKEN OVER THE PARTNERSHIP THROUGH SNEAKY METHODS.”

What did he do?

“YOU CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE HOW MANY BADGES TH’ PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES CAN GET HIS HANDS ON, MAN.”

What I’m hearing is that you were quite literally distracted by shiny things.

“AND HE MADE ME THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY OF AMERICA.”

Not a thing.

“LUCKILY, AH HAD BROUGHT MAH SWEARIN’-BIBLE WITH ME. AH BOTH TAKE AND ADMINISTER UP TO A DOZEN OATHS A DAY.”

What?

“MOSTLY MAKIN’ THE MEMPHIS MAFIA SWEAR THAT THEY WASN’T THE ONE’S ATE MAH SNICKERDOODLES.”

Sound management strategy.

“THAT JOE ESPOSITO, MAN. HE PUTS HIS HAND ON THE BIBLE AND SWEARS TO THE LORD JESUS AND LOOKS ME RIGHT IN MAH SUNGLASSES, AND AH KNOW HE IS A DAMN LIAR. AH C’N SMELL SNICKERDOODLE ON HIM.”

We’re off the point, Elvis. Are you going to these places?

“HELL, NO, MAN. AH AIN’T NEVER LEFT AMERICA ‘CEPT GERMANY FOR THE ARMY AN’ HAWAII A COUPLE TIMES.”

So, you’ve never been to Spain?

“NO, BUT AH BEEN T’ OKLAHOMA.”

That was fun. Quick question: where is Richard Nixon right now?

“YOU REMEMBER THAT COALITION THING AH WAS TALKIN’ ‘BOUT?”

Yes.

“WELL, HE’S SERIOUS ‘BOUT IT. WENT T’ SEE SOME OL’ FRIENDS.”

Old friends? Oh, fuck, no.

Goddammit, Mr. President.

“Trump wants to get into bed with the Russians, then Nixon is getting into whatever filthy bag of straw these heathens sleep on.

Please don’t do this.

“China wants in. They think he’s volatile, and bad for the global economy and general stability. I agree.”

We have come to the point where Richard Nixon and the Chinese are the reasonable ones.

“Nixon is always reasonable, it’s my enemies that lie. The press, mostly. Terrible. Not just the Jewish reporters, but I have noticed that the Jewish reporters lie with the greatest frequency.”

Please don’t be terrible. You’re supposed to be better than the guy you’re trying to usurp.

“Goddammit, don’t you compare Nixon to that loose cannon! Years of service, all the while being attacked by every critic. They threw rocks at Nixon in Caracas, and that bastard Eisenhower laughed at me. They called me sweaty and weird, but no one feared Nixon. Deep down, they craved me. They knew I would defend the nation.”

I guess.

“The American people know that Nixon hates foreigners. This is why I am trusted to deal with them. For example, I killed many Chinese during the war.”

You were a logistics officer who didn’t leave the base.

“I killed many Chinese during the war.”

Fine.

“The Chinese are aware of this, and will deal with me accordingly.”

Realpolitik.

“I am also, uh, staying at a Chinese hotel while here, and must assume it to be bugged. Therefore, I will be engaging no local prostitutes to urinate on me.”

Smart move. So, the Chinese are on your side in the cross-temporal governmental incursion?

“Things look good, but the translator has been getting steadily drunker throughout the night. He’s been doing karaoke for ten minutes now.”

What song?

“Blue Suede Shoes.”

Fitting.

1 Comment

  1. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    January 15, 2017 at 1:54 pm

    Nixon – stuck with the white chopsticks, again.

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