COACHES Some coaches are decent people, or enjoy teaching, or they couldn’t get out of helming their five-year-old’s tee-ball squad. Every other coach is a Secret Harbaugh, like Obama’s a Secret Muslim. Red-assed bellowers that needed to be forced to allow their players to drink water during practices. Two-a-days, suicides, burpee: coaches thought these up. Coaches’ families all hate them.
SUBWAY PATRONS Again: not all who purchase “food” from Subway are deplorable. Sometimes it’s the only option, or you don’t have enough time to get an actual sandwich, or you just wanted some cookies. However, there are those who choose Subway freely and of their own will; these fools should have their citizenship stripped from them.
STATEN ISLANDERS Come on, you know it’s true. There’s David Johansen and then a long, steep tumble to second place.
FLORIDIANS In case you’re from Staten Island and want to be all, “Yeah, well where you live is full of reprobates, parolees, fake underage doctors, flakka addicts, and Rick Scott,” then there you go. Florida is 80-90% deplorable, and even the folks that aren’t totally irredeemable are a little shitty.
ZOOKEEPERS Half of them fuck the animals. Could be more, could be less. About half.
WIDE RECEIVERS If you needed to find the biggest asshole on a football team (besides the coach), then it would save you time to start at the wide receivers’ lockers. Preening, lazy fancy-boys the lot of them. (Except for Wes Welker or Jordy Nelson: those guys are scrappy gym rats who play the game right.)
GRATEFUL DEAD DRUMMERS Gotta be honest.