Mental Floss has published an infographic listing red flags that should dissuade you from accepting a job offer; were it not for the stick figures, I would have been confused, but they included stick figures. Good job, Mental Floss. They missed some things, though.

  • The interview was videotaped, and there was a leather couch in the office, and I don’t want to talk about it.
  • If your pimp hand is not strong, you should not accept the pimping position; you are setting yourself up for failure.
  • Company’s office is the back of an Uber hailed via a burner.
  • It’s a shop that engraves trophies, and the job interview ends with the phrase “We set sail at dawn.”
  • The Human Resources person pronounces resume “ruh-ZOOM” and then argues with you about it.
  • “Because you’re not working now, right? And you want to start working. You want to resume working. So it’s pronounced ruh-ZOOM.”
  • “Well, I don’t speak French, do I?”
  • “STAND UP AND SAY THAT, BITCH!”
  • And so on.
  • If at any time you are reassured that the job is not part of a pyramid scheme, then it is a pyramid scheme and you should not take that job because that is not a job.
  • Similarly, if at any time you are reassured that the job does not require arson, then the job requires arson, and you should not take that job.
  • (Although, if we’re honest, it’s far better to be a professional arsonist than someone who lights fires for the sexual thrill. I don’t judge people’s fetishes, but that’s not a fetish. Fetishes require consent from all parties, and the dry cleaners you just torched did not want to be a part of your boner. Do not be aroused by fire.)
  • Always try to talk to some of the current employees, and make sure they’re not just baboons wearing pants.
  • Boss pops head into interview, offers to suck your dick for crack.
  • It’s a zookeeper position, and you’re informed that the training is “kind of a sink-or-swim deal.”
  • If you are a mermaid determined to live on land with Tom Hanks, then you should not take a job as a lifeguard, because when you jumped in the water to save someone, your legs would turn back into a tail (in a transformation that is not seen onscreen due to budgetary restrictions) and the government would kidnap you to let Eugene Levy experiment on you.
  • (Splash ends with Tom Hanks joining Daryl Hannah under the water where, because of the power of love or something, he can now breathe. The movie does not address the fact that Tom Hanks’ skin would rot off in 48 hours, that is if he didn’t freeze to death.)
  • If you are a big-time Hollywood director and you are offered the job of helming the reboot/remake/reimagining of Splash, then you should not take that job; the movie will be bland and forgettable and just don’t do it.
  • If I am offered the job of writing the Splash reboot, I will accept that job.
  • I do not know why we’re talking about Splash.