Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Pacific Rim Shot


Billy stands like a colossus and protects the city when she needs him.

After the first of the Terrordactyls destroyed San Francisco and Oakland, a plan came together. The first part was writing Oakland off as a loss and moving on. The second was rebuilding San Francisco, but better: gayer, tech-ier, and with sidewalks even more covered in human feces. New San Francisco was the first No-Smoking City. (You were allowed to vape doobie wherever you wanted, but you had to be able to give a ten-minute genetic history of the strain of doobie you were currently vaping.  Bonus points for the use of the word terroir.)

The third part of the plan was Mecha-Billy. When the Terrordactyls came back– possibly accompanied by something that couldn’t be filmed and everyone describes as “a giant blur with a horror dick and my mother’s face” because apparently being a giant city-killing monster from another dimension(?) wasn’t enough and this thing was also telepathic–Billy was ready.

(For those wondering how Billy exists in a future with giant monsters and robots, TotD points out the numerous semi-sentient Devices of Nigh Upon Infinite Power that have always surrounded the Dead, in addition to the fact that Billy is an interstellar bounty hunter gone rogue.)

Bounty hunters cannot go rogue. By definition, a bount–

OLOMPALI! the massive foot stomped down from the holding platform. Workers scattered and, from 300 feet above at the controls in Mecha-Billy’s head, Billy thought that they looked like ants. Then, he realized that they weren’t ants, but people. It was just that they were far away. Billy chuckled, but the video screen lit up with an incoming call from headquarters.

“Kreutzmann!” said a guy with some sort of noticeable and photogenic injury, played by a 50-year-old black guy.

“Colonel Fire,” Billy said calmly.

“That’s General Fire to you. General Bishop K. Fire.”

“I don’t care if your name’s Big Jim Shittysocks: let this fusion-powered doggie off his chain and to the metal and feel the funk of a slam dunk with my…stuff…with…”

“You just trailed off.”

“I lost interest. Can I go beat the monsters to death now, please?”

“Negative, soldier. You and that toy of yours are gonna play clean-up after the Armed Forces gets done getting some. We’ve got a coordinated strike team with two carrier groups, three air wings, and we built a bunch of enormous catapults, so instead of having the tanks shoot at the beasties, we’re gonna hurl the whole tank at them.”

“I like that idea. I will enjoy watching you bring that idea to fruition. Do you launch the catapult with a button?”


“Could I press that button?”



“Now, stay there and await further instruction. Fire out.”

They had been spotted sixty miles out, but could cover that in no time. The navy had already launched missiles from the destroyers and F-15’s from the carriers when Billy cracked open a locally sourced, fair trade, small batch Coors Light and put his feet up.

To be continued…

1 Comment

  1. Disaster Amnesiac

    March 6, 2015 at 9:51 am

    Judge: “….Mr. Kreutzmann, do you have anything you’d like to say before I pronounce sentence?”
    Bill: “….yes, your honor, only that I wish you all were one giant dick, so that I could punch the shit out of it…”

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