Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Paramount

They screwed Vince, let’s all agree on that. The sounds they made him use were one thing, but it was the personal stuff that really led to Vince’s failure and eventual demise. Before joining the band, Vince was named Cock Money and combs would snap in two immediately upon entering his thick lustrous mane. On Vince’s first day at Front Street, Mickey shaved him and gave him a loser’s name.

(Try saying it like Jerry Lewis: Vince WELLLLL-nick. Glaben.)

Vince didn’t want to dress like that either, but Jon McIntire would wire his Hawaiian shirts to explode if they were removed. This hurt Vince and he went to the band–except Garcia because he was in the bathroom–and told them that if wearing the shirts was so important to everybody, he would just do it. No C-4 necessary.

So Billy punched him in the dick. (In his defense, Billy hadn’t been paying attention in the slightest and just wanted to punch the new guy in the dick. Now, that was certainly not how Vince read the situation; he cried for 90 minutes. I’m just relaying facts here.)

The sounds, however, were truly the crux of the problem: wheezy, hollow tinklings made by primitive synthesizers. The aural equivalent of watching a clown car get raped to death.

A clown car get…what the fuck is wrong with you? This is the comeback special and you’re talking about Vince and a forcibly penetrated harlequinade? 

Is that not the show business way?

It is not, no. Welcome people back. Maybe a list. An update on your mental health.

Doesn’t the clown rape kinda give a clue about my mental health?

Point taken.

Anyhoo, imagine if someone pulled the bullshit on you that they pulled on Vince: “Here’s your new office and your desk and you know your responsibilities, so I’ll just let you dive right in…oh, that guy? That’s the guy we hired to also do your job. But better. And everyone’s gonna love him more. Oh, and he’ll be able to get away with things you wouldn’t even dare to THINK about.”

Because there were no rules for Bruce. He was allowed to waltz into the house at all hours and turn the basement into his room and  his girlfriend slept over sometimes. So unfair. Listen to the cavalcade of Dark Star teases in this show from ‘Chicago ’91 .

Seriously, if Vince had ever tried teasing Dark Star, Phil would have smacked him with a rolled-up newspaper. And a chair.

2 Comments

  1. Welcome back! I look forward to a steady dose of enlightening derangement (that’s a compliment, BTW).

  2. I only just discovered this blog two days ago and spent the better part of what could have been a productive afternoon laughing my ass off. Even now, all I have to do is think of the words “Then, at 7:20, something occurs that will blow your ass off” and I belly laugh uncontrollably. I read on to discover that, tragically, I had lost you the same day I found you (Hiatus). Now I learn you are back. It’s been an emotional roller coaster.

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