“Thank you, yes, nice. Great. Sit. You can sit. This is a good thing, everybody standing for me. I like it. Walked in on Chris Christie the other day, he’s on the toilet. He stands–very respectful, nice–but I leave the door open. Everyone’s looking, laughing. Christie starts crying. Fun. I enjoyed that.
“This has been the most successful first month of any president ever. Ever. Many of the shows are saying that, high rated ones. Stock market is through the roof. Hillary, who is still crooked even though she is now a loser, would have burned down the stock market. Burned it to the ground, first day. For Trump, the market responds. Do I get the credit? No. Why? Because the press is very dishonest.
“The media of this country are all criminals. Joe and Mika should be thrown in prison, and I’ve ordered Jeff Sessions to look into that. He’s great, Jeff. Legally, I’m taken care of. Fantastic man, and I think I did a wonderful job choosing him. He’s going to write us another travel ban, leave the word Muslim out. That way these idiot judges won’t know. We have some very, very stupid judges in this country. I would have been a great judge.
“A couple minutes I’m gonna talk, and then I’ll take questions from friendly reporters and maybe one from a black reporter.
“Since I have become president, I’ve done incredible things. We are cracking down on illegal aliens, and no one in the biased and hateful media will write about it. Every illegal alien off the streets is four fewer rapes. That’s a fact, believe me. Not the kind of fact you find in the New York Times, which will probably be going out of business next week. That’s a real fact. Less illegal voting, too. And protests, don’t forget. CNN wants to talk about chaos, protests, whatever. All those people out there are illegal aliens paid by my enemies. Maybe CNN is paying the protestors?
“This weekend I go to Florida so I can take my message directly to the American people, and the press has been very unfair about Florida. Mar-A-Lago, which has memberships available, is a working vacation. I’m not, you know, screwing around like Obama. I work. Last weekend, I had the President of Japan over. Abe. Great guy, very highly respected, big league guy over there. He raved about Mar-A-Lago, by the way. Service, grounds, everything. Loved it. ‘Is so beautiful, Mister Plesident.’ He said that to me over and over. They got those accents. Great guy.
“Okay, let’s take some questions. You.”
“I asked for Mike Flynn’s resignation because he didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing at all, great guy. Very strong. The problem was that you reported what he did, which you weren’t supposed to know and also didn’t happen because he didn’t do anything wrong. Did he call Russia? Was he not supposed to? Russia is a very powerful nation. Shouldn’t they be our friend? Maybe Mike Flynn was calling just to say hi. Maybe he misdialed. Meant to hit six, he hit seven, and boom: Russia. Rude to hang up.
“I looked. You didn’t look because you’re not there. I’m there. I look, and when I look, I know. Did he do anything wrong? I didn’t think so, but because of the fake news and lies. So he didn’t do anything wrong, but then when he told the vice-president what he didn’t do he didn’t remember what he hadn’t done wrong. Not good. Plus the lies of the media, so I had to let him go. You’re fired, I told him, and the American people know that I will fire people, even thought they did nothing wrong.
“This Arnold Schwarzenegger, bad guy. Sad. Looks very old on teevee. Ratings are in the toilet. The toilet. You know what? His situation is the reverse of mine: I get handed a diasaster and make it great. He got a spectacular show, a fanstastic show, a proven winner. What does he do? Destroys it, just like Obama almost destroyed America.
“Okay, another question. You.”
“I have the full confidence and support of our intelligence community, which is very incompetent and anti-American, but these leaks have to stop. They’re probably treason. One of the shows said it. Kimberly Guilfoyle, I think. Smart woman, very smart. Keeps herself in tip-top shape. Getting older, but still high quality. Kimberly said it! Treason, and I have instructed General Mattis to provide me with a plan to bomb the MSNBC studios. Although, you know: they’re in Secaucus, so no one would notice.”
“Next question. The little Jew?”
“Anti-Semitic? Y’know, it’s odd how only Jews accuse me of being anti-Semitic. Very odd. Like a built-in thing with you people. I am the least anti-Semitic person you’ve ever met. Ivanka, who has been treated very poorly, is married to a Jew. I haven’t retweeted a Nazi in months. How dare you even bring that up? I’m gonna remember you said that. I should make you wear something to remind me what you did. A badge, something.
“Next question as long as it isn’t about Russia. You.”
“What did I say? We’re done with Russia. I answered that question.”
“Yes I did.”
“Should they be our enemies? Hillary Clinton, who I beat by more than 10 million votes, gave Putin all of our uranium. You know what uranium is? Bad stuff. Big league bad. If Putin is such a rotten guy, then why did Loser Hillary give him all our uranium? He didn’t even want it! She called him. How come when Hillary calls Putin, she gets rewarded? Very unfair.
“Russia is a ruse. That’s where the name Russia came from. Ruse. Believe me, I saw it on one of the shows. There’s no Russia. There’s no Russia. The lying media, many of who are similar to the man who asked me if I was an anti-Semite, have invented Russia. There’s no Russia. It’s a ruse. Chicago is on fire. The whole city. The blacks have set Chicago on fire, and the unfair and cruel press is talking about Russia.
“The difference between fake news and real news is whether or not the news is real. Sometimes I see stories that are crazy. I’m in the room. I know what happened, and then when I see what happened written in the paper because it got leaked out, that’s when what happened becomes fake news. The press should be ashamed of itself for trying to find out what happened, and then ashamed of itself again for printing it.
“My phone calls should be private. Great calls, the best calls. I call Mexico and had a great call. President Nieto agreed to pay for the wall. That’s what he said, believe me. I had a great call with whoever the guy who runs Australia is, great call. He said that Australia would help pay for the wall. That’s what kind of deals I’m getting for America.
“Last question. The black.”
“The inner cities are carnage. Carnage. I wish I could save all the beautiful, beautiful blacks but at this point I am thinking about sending the Army into Chicago. And that would be sad, because I got a much higher percentage of the black vote than anyone in the crooked media predicted. Many blacks, the smartest blacks, voted for me. Getting gunned down, so I may have to send in troops.
“That was an excellent question. You speak well for a black. Do you know Patti LeBelle?”
“Okay, okay, whatever. Have Patti call me. Next question.”
“No one can tell me why we shouldn’t be best friends with Russia. No one. Should I hang up on Putin like I hung up on whatshisname from Australia? Putin says very, very nice things about me. He is very respectful and strong. Called me after my spectacular victory and congratulated me. Hillary was going to reset, but then she gave them Uranium. I’ve never spoken with Putin.
“What time is it? Noon? Okay, I’m gonna go watch Fox. Harris Faulkner, one of my favorites. A fair black. Okay, I’m gonna fix America. Bye.”