Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Patches, I’m Dependin’ On Ya

art bobby pathcesWhat’s the state of your trousers? Are they intact or holier than the Pope’s mother? Does every little breeze seem to whisper Louise on your nethers and privates? If you are a stone-cold teen fox, can you feel the wind on your sweet and pink little nubbin? If you are old, is there a draft hitting your stained and crusty asshole?

Has your dick and/or balls fallen out today? And, not “fallen out” like it usually does: an actual accident.

If so, try Bobby Patches! They’re iron-on patches, which means you place the patch on the spot you desire, let the iron heat up, place a thin towel over the whole shebang, and press down with the iron really hard for a minute. After that, get a needle and thread and sew the thing on* because the ironing never worked.


* WARNING: Do not sew Bobby Patches© over eyes in hopes of looking like Bobbeard the Pirate. You will not be able to see and you will crash your Honda.


  1. I appreciate the mending trousers discussion, but in my experience patches like this seem to be worn on ratty denim jackets, paired with patchwork pants:

    One usually tries to steer clear of the wearers of these garments outside the show. They typically smell like the dumpsters behind a patchouli distillery in August.

  2. Giggling like an idiot at “sweet and pink little nubbin” at my desk, and feeling filthy about it. Filthier than usual, anyway. Thanks.

  3. Finally a “nicotine patch” for the oxy abuser in all our lives.

  4. Sir Luther Van Baconson

    April 30, 2015 at 3:34 pm

    i’ve got Rummy Pee Pants aka Rummipipince so I would like some of these Patches Clarence

  5. Are they dick punch proof?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.