I am a big fan of those “soldier returns home” videos, especially the ones with the animals. (I don’t care much for the familial reunions.) They’re almost all dogs, at least several of whom are so excited to see THE GUY that they give lie to that nonsense about dogs not having a concept of time. occasionally, there are videos with cats: these are played for laughs, because cats do deadpan better than Christopher Guest and also hate America, so they don’t much care about the service member’s arrival home.

What’s missing is a video in which the soldier keeps exotic pets that don’t remember him at all because they’re tigers or emus or whatever crazy shit idiots are allowed to keep out back; instead of welcoming him home, all the animals are just frightened by the sudden appearance of a strange person and the whole menagerie goes to town on him: mauling, goring, clawing, toothing, talonning–all the animalling there is.