Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Pax Romana, The Best Pax, The Most Beautiful Pax You’ve Ever Seen


“General Trumpicus, I see you’re looking swollen. Welcome to camp. The Cantabrians mass along the ridge.”

“Who we fighting here? Calrissians?”


“Bad guys! Let’s go, let’s do something. We’re gonna attack biglius.”

“Are you sure you wouldn’t like to take some time to assess the situation?”

“Forget the little shit. Trumpicus is an action general.”

“Yes, sir. Your orders?”

“Have the left flank fight the right flank.”


“And I want you to shoot arrows at the supply lines.”


“Ours. The supply line is disloyal.”

“That’s not an optimal idea, Trumpicus.”

“Priebus, who’s general here?”

“You, for some reason.”

“That’s right. What is the press saying about me?”

“Nothing, sir.”

“Why not?”

“It’s 26 BC. The concept of ‘press’ doesn’t exist yet.”

“Do the legions love me?”

“You just got here, but they already have their doubts.”

“Take away their healthcare.”

“Again, sir: 26 BC. There is no healthcare.”

“Take away their swords and tell ’em they’re sissies.”

“Are you trying to fuck this up?


“Sir, stop yelling.”


“Don’t do that! Please, don’t! Sir, we need the legions to work together.”

“I like to promote competition. Besides, I heard some sergeants in the IXth talking about me.”

“The soldiers will do that. Raucous sense of humor in the legion.”

“Have all the sergeants executed.”

“That would be counter-productive, sir.”

“Why aren’t we attacking? We should be attacking.”

“We need a plan, sir. There’s the old one left by your predecessor.”

“Obamanus? Bad plan! Sick plan. Bad guy, no good plan.”

“It’s not a bad plan, sir.”

“We can come up with something better. What if everyone panics and fights for himself?”

“Terrible plan.”

“That’s what we’re going with, great, wonderful. Some of these larger structures are going to need to be set on fire.”

“Oh, Trumpicus.

1 Comment

  1. Luther Von Baconson

    March 30, 2017 at 7:00 pm

    hasn’t tweeted yet

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