Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Perry Relinquishes Sobriety

Hey, John.

“Not gonna ask me what I’m doing?”

Eh.

“You are a fair-weather friend.”

That is precisely true. I will deal with you in the summer.

“Dude, I got so much going on! Album, tour, Fashion Week.”

You were at Fashion Week?

“So many bold choices. Kanye’s show was magisterial.”

You’re not using that word right.

“Oh, sorry. I meant it was Magisterial. That was the name of the show.”

Ah. Then, Kanye’s not using that word right.

“It was awesome. Tee-shirts five times too big and nine times too expensive, Limp, beige sweaters. Awesome.”

Sounds it.

“Ye let me wash a couple of the sweaters before the show. What an honor. I love collaborating with that guy.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Fuck you.”

What?

“I come by to check on you and catch up, and you pull your little bullshit.”

Maybe it’s just a coincidence.

“Is it?”

No.

“Fuck you.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Jackass.”

“Yeah?”

“What an unenergetic greeting. I deserve better than that, John.”

“Katydoodle?”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Hey. What’s up?”

“My sales, John. I dropped something.”

“I saw.”

“And I have a new look.”

“I see.”

“It has been a rough few months, John. I did not take the election well at all.”

“Yeah, no. You were stumping pretty hard for Hillary.”

“I believed in Hillary, John. She was the best person for the job. I still don’t understand what happened. On Election Night, I rage-vomited several times.”

“That’s not good.”

“No, not at all. I required medical attention.”

“Dr. Gary?”

“It’s just easier to stay with him, John. He has all my medical records.”

“He’s a chemist, Katy.”

“Legally, he’s not even that any more.”

“Are you feeling better?”

“SOOOOOO MUCH. John?”

“Yes?”

“Is it Rocktober yet, or are we still in Zeptember?”

“It’s February.”

“Which February? The real one or the practice month?”

“Jesus, what are you on now?”

“John, have I ever told you about a man named Dr. Gary?”

“We were just discussing him, Katy. Like, eight lines ago.”

“Well, after the election I became distressed. Dr. Gary came to my aid, John! He had a stethoscope, and once he finished his popsicle he also had a tongue depressor. Dr. Gary told me I had an autoimmune disorder.”

“That’s not good.”

“So I ran into the street. It turns out I was not immune to autos at all.”

“Ba-dum-bum.”

“Dr. Gary revised his diagnosis. And he checked me for breast cancer for, like, two or three hours.”

“That doesn’t sound right.”

“Finally, he saw the problem and wrote his prescription.”

“Which was?”

“Drinking.”

“Drinking? That’s it? No weird, imagined cocktail of pharmaceuticals with a silly name?”

“No, John. Booze. Been schnockered since the end of November. Ramped it up in the last month. Oh, do you know what time it is?”

“It’s, uh–”

“It’s cold gin time again, John.”

“Oh, Katy.”

“It’s the only thing that keeps me together.”

“Poor Katydoodle.”

“Do you want to come over?”

“Should I bring booze?”

“All good here. Dr. Gary’s been making moonshine.”

“I’ll stop at the store.”

“Pussy.”

“See you soon.”

“Okay.”

6 Comments

  1. y’all got cocaine eyes …

  2. Your donate button is self aware, or recursive,

  3. Sobriety is over-hyped. Our essential tenant is one which considers moderation an overrated virtue.

    The appreciation of an exotic elixir?

    We hereby acknowledge the necessity of continual personal experimentation.

    Nearer my God to Thee!

    A veritable Marrakesh bazaar?

  4. it appears you haven’t seen this, TotD: http://people.com/music/john-mayer-join-bachelor-lowest-rated-show/

    You have been momentarily outgrabed.

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