knobfest_controlsL

  1. Master volume.
  2. Master mass.
  3. Master density.
  4. Front pickup tone.
  5. Back pickup tone.
  6. Sirius/XM.
  7. Attitude adjustment (audio).
  8. Attitude adjustment (emotional).
  9. Pitch adjustment.
  10. Yaw adjustment.
  11. Mute knob. (It was explained to Phil over and over that “mute” was a binary concept, and therefore more suited to one of the many, many switches instead of the many, many knobs. In the end, the customer is always right. The knob is not hooked up to anything and Phil does not recall what it does and has lost the manual.)
  12. Discombobulater.
  13. Flugelhorn level.
  14. Zebrafication.
  15. Dimmer switch to the lights in Phil’s office. (“JIIIIIL! Come look what my bass can do!”)
  16. Bombasticism.
  17. Boominizing.
  18. Thunderociousness.
  19. Master volume to Bobby’s guitar (which Phil has not disconnected and in fact deliberately fiddles with during Dead & Company shows and giggles his ass off).
  20. Not actually a knob: disguised combination to a small safe secreted within the bass containing half-a-mil in uncut diamonds.
  21. Also not actually a knob: container for suicide pill in case Phil gets kidnapped by aliens in the middle of the show. (In his defense, that has happened before.)
  22. Also not a knob: thermostat to Terrapin Crossroads.
  23. REDACTED BY NSA.
  24. High-frequency filter.
  25. Low-frequency filter.
  26. Pool filter.
  27. When you go to TXR and the menu says “market price” for fish, this knob controls the market price.
  28. Stankiness.
  29. Phunkiness. (THE FOLLOWING NUMBERS ARE SWITCHES, BUT I CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE THIS ANNOUNCEMENT WITHOUT FUCKING UP THE NUMBERING, WHICH FOR SOME REASON IS IMPORTANT TO ME TO GET RIGHT. ALSO, I AM YELLING.)
  30. Master power.
  31. Master rig power.
  32. Master power for the ISS. (Phil’s 99% sure that’s Alembic’s idea of a  joke, but he still hasn’t touched it.)
  33. Front pickup on/off.
  34. Back pickup on/off.
  35. Bobby’s pickup on/off. (Phil feels guilty about doing it, and doubly so for laughing so hard, but he does it at least once a show: Phil watches the streams and sits there with his bass clicking Bob’s guitar on and off. Real quick, so he’ll be the only one who notices, and Bobby’s beard starts frowning and then Phil lets Baby Levon flick the switch once or twice. It’s a fun time for all ages.)
  36. Garage door opener.
  37. Panic button.
  38. Something to do with Twitter.
  39. Front-of-stage trapdoor, TXR.
  40. Main dressing room trapdoor, TXR.
  41. Bar trapdoor, TXR.
  42. Summons busboy with Arnold Palmer, TXR.
  43. Sidewinder missile launch.
  44. Automatically contributes via the Donate Button on the sidebar. (Thanks, Phil!)
  45. Overrides normal protocols to turn any night into Chimichanga Night.