Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Phil Lesh, C.S.A

bobby phil messy 81

“I demand approval over script and casting, Weir.”

“I don’t even know if I have that, man.”

“Here’s my list of acceptable actors to portray me.”

“Phil, we’re playing. Please don’t hand me lists.”

“Yeah, but everything happens simultaneously. It’s why the us-es from 1984 are discussing something that happens in 2016. Therefore, we must somewhere exist in a space where we’re not playing, and I can hand you whatever I please.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“I mean, not whatever I please. I wouldn’t hand you a duffel bag full of furious raccoons.”

“Mickey would.”

“Mickey would, yeah.”

“Lemme read this. You’re really being a pain-in-the-ass about this.”

“A member of the Grateful Dead is being a pain-in-the-ass. Inform the media.”

“Okay. Huh. Christopher Lee?”

“Absolutely. First choice.”

“Phil, you can’t be played by Christopher Lee.”

“We have the same noble posture and patrician’s nose!”

“He’s dead.”

“How dead?”

“Thoroughly. Plus, even before he was dead, he was a million years old. And British.”

“I’m sure he could do the accent.”

“Next. Tim Roth. Tim Roth? Also British. And doesn’t look anything like you.”

“CG.”

“None of you understand what CG is and how expensive the stuff is.”

“Fine, no Tim Roth.”

“‘The guy from Star Wars.’ Which guy from Star Wars?”

“The black one.”

“No.”

“The other black one.”

“Lando?”

“Sure.”

“Also no. How about C3PO? You kinda look like him.”

“Which robot was he, gay or midget?”

“Gay.”

“Yeah, okay, maybe.”

“You wanna hit Creepy Ernie’s after the tour? My treat.”

“What are you saying?”

“Not saying. Inviting.”

“I need new clothes.”

“Well, you know–”

“I need fat clothes. Is that what you’re saying?”

“Phil, you’re sweating what can be described as beer-gravy.”

“Kiss my ass, Weir.”

“I’m not body-shaming; it’s just that you’re not really helping yourself here.”

“Fuck off.”

“You started this.”

“Fuck off.”

“And we could stop at Big-Dicked Sheila’s. so she can fix whatever she did to you last time.”

“It’s the Johnny Ramone!”

“Yeah, still.”

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