PRO: They make a lovely boing-boing noise
CON: Sometimes they stop making that noise to sing.
PRO: Name misspelled intentionally like The Beatles or Led Zeppelin.
CON: Name misspelled intentionally like Def Leppard or Ratt.
PRO: Might get to meet Mike Gordon and have your picture taken.
CON: Might get to meet Jon Fishman and have to endure a lecture on how Bernie would have won.
PRO: Lyrics are inspiring for young writers. (When young writers hear Hunter’s lyrics, they think–quite rightly–“I can’t do that. I’ll never be able to do that.” But when they hear Phish’s lyrics, they say, “I can do that right now off the top of my head.”)
PRO: No trainwrecks.
CON: No trainwrecks. (All right-thinking Enthusiasts value a good ol’ fashioned six-or-seven Dead pile-up during the re-entry from the Playing jam, or the rare-but-hilarious songs wherein half the band thinks the beat is over here while the other half thinks it’s over there, and they refuse to correct the mistake for the entire tune.)
PRO: Fun, welcoming, groovy fanbase.
CON: Or entitled, passive-aggressive whiners, wieners, and rich kids.
PRO: You can find drugs at the shows.
CON: A man named Antelope Greg might slug you in the jaw.
PRO: No tie-dye, and no fucking bears.
CON: Derpy logo.
PRO: Get to make “Dick’s” jokes every year.
CON: Have to hear “Dick’s jokes every year.
PRO: Semi-incalculable amount of high-quality live recordings from every era of the band’s history available for free.
CON: But it you want to listen to them on SiriusXM, then you might hear Twiddle or Turquaz by accident as Phish does not have their own channel and must share theirs with the dregs of the earth.
PRO: Couch Tour.
CON: Couch Tour chat rooms. (All of the Phinternet should be struck by the Hand of God. That’s how bad it is: it requires smiting. The Phinternet is locked in a never-ending battle to see who can hate the band the most.)
CON: If you are diabetic, donuts.