Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Pink Is My Brand-New Obsession

Really?

“Sexy.”

No.

“Sleek.”

I guess.

“Sassy.”

Hell, yeah. Definitely sassy. Looks like something you would see in Sassy, which if you’ll recall was a magazine for teen girls.

“You’re a hater.”

And if you squatted down and smoked a cigarette, you’d be a gay Russian teenager. We arrive at an impasse. Why are you here? It’s not Summer Tour yet; I don’t have to pay attention to you for months.

“I wanted to show you my clothes.”

What do you even wear that to?

“It’s mostly for shopping for other clothes.”

Good idea. You need something else to wear.

“I can’t wait to wash this.”

KARATE!

Shit.

“AH HAVE DEFEATED TH’ PINK PANTHER!”

That was not the Pink Panther, Elvis.

“THEN WHAT TH’ FUCK WAS IT?”

A 40-year-old man in a fuzzy pink tracksuit.

“HE DESERVED WHAT HE GOT.”

True.

“NOW BRING ME T’ HAIRY GARCIA!”

Well, you just kicked the guy in the Grateful Dead who does all the soloing now. Does that count?

“NO. AH MUST HAVE MAH SHOWDOWN. AN’ AH GOTTA HAVE SOME TWINKETTIS.”

Twinkettis?

“TWINKIES WITH SPAGHETTI SHOVED IN ‘EM. THEN YOU SOAK THE WHOLE THING IN BUTTER AN’ FRY IT UP ‘TIL IT’S CRUNCHY.”

That sounds awful.

“MAYBE GONNA GET ME SOME O’ MISS MARY’S SPECIAL PECAN COOKIES.”

Well, that sounds all right.

“THEY GOT PORK IN ‘EM.”

Why?

“COMPLEMENTS TH’ PECAN.”

It doesn’t.

“THEN AH’M GONNA TUCK INNA SOME HOMINY GRISTLE. L’IL BITTA FATBACK. THEN AH COULD POSSIBLY SCOOP TH’ BACON GREASE OUTTA THE COFFEE CAN MISS MARY KEEPS IT IN.”

Don’t eat any of that, Elvis.

“FINISH UP WITH A SALAD.”

Really?

“YEAH, MAN. BOWL FULL O’ PILLS WITH GREEN SPRINKLES MIXED IN. EAT IT WITH A SPOON, MAN. GOES DOWN EASY, ‘CEPT WHEN AH PASS OUT AN’ CHARLIE HODGE HAS T’ FISH HALF-CHEWED SAN’WICHES OUTTA MAH THROAT.”

King, you have to stop eating like this.

“THIS HERE IS A PRESCRIBED DIET! YOU KNOW TH’ OL’ SAYIN’: ‘STARVE A COLD, FEED A FEVER, DRINK STRAIGHT CHICKEN GRAVY FOR TH’ HEEBIE-JEEBIES.'”

Only the first part of that is a saying, and even that’s wrong. Why won’t you take care of yourself?

“GREAT MAN DONE GOT GREAT DESIRES, BOY! AH AM TH’ BABE RUTH OF SINGIN’ AN’ KARATE AN’ AH WILL EAT A DOZEN HOT DOGS IN BETWEEN INNINGS IF AH WANT!”

Okay, but he died at 53.

“AN’ LOU GEHRIG DRANK MILK AN’ WENT T’ BED EARLY. HE DIED AT 37. CHECKMATE.”

Yeah, you’ll probably live forever.

“WE BOTH KNOW THAT AH WILL.”

4 Comments

  1. Squatting smoking Slavs in tracksuits?

    That Elvis picture. Wow.

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    February 19, 2017 at 4:17 pm

    that’s some impressive Aspic young Josh is sporting

  3. That is not a good look in any color with any size head.
    And that pic of Elvis has to be near the time of passing

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