Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Places I’d Rather Watch The Farewell Shows Than A Movie Theater

  • Haunted house.
  • On a JetBlue flight to Vancouver to pick up my estranged brother’s remains. Middle seat.
  • Waffle House at 3 a.m.
  • A sad zoo with sad animals in sad cages and sad children watching them stand there sadly.
  • A weird zoo made up of only wallabies and a dead camel named Albert.
  • An exciting zoo that employed as keepers anarchists, animal-rights activists, and the forgetful.
  • Any zoo, really. Zoos should be outlawed.
  • On a Duck Boat tour of Boston. Quack quack.
  • On a Fuck Boat tour of Bangkok. Cock cock.
  • In Marriott Hotel convention room B with a bunch of cosplayers.
  • Maricopa County jail.
  • Rura Penthe.
  • Azkaban.
  • Bedlam.
  • Arkham.
  • At a Discount Shoe Warehouse the week before school starts.
  • A Generation Ship bound for the outskirts of the Felis system that got intercepted by the Death Poets of Knar’r and ritually destroyed for the glory of the Holy Limerick.
  • A basement in Saigon with Christopher Walken and a revolver.
  • An abattoir.
  • An oubliette.
  • Bricked up in the walls of a church like a Medieval nun the Mother Superior caught humping the gardener.
  • Tokyo (during Godzilla attack.)
  • Eritrea (anytime.) (Sorry, Eritrea: your shit’s fucked up.)
  • One of those cruise-ships full of diarrhea.
  • FOB 211, Afghanistan.
  • The locker room of the team the Harlem Globetrotters always beats, the Washington Generals. It has to smell like bad choices and balls in there.
  • A CVS in the middle of the night with tweakers wandering up and down the aisles for hours.
  • An old-time movie theater. Not a romantic, grand motion picture house: just a rundown Loews in the exurbs that hadn’t been redone since it was built and the sound’s shitty and the hot dogs are old and there are two or three drifters having sex in the men’s room.
  • While accompanying Ray Lewis on his errands, which take three to four hours because of all the times Ray Lewis stops to yell about Jesus–and commitment and teamwork and other things but mostly Jesus–to fellow shoppers.
  • A failing Unitarian church in Newark, Delaware.


  1. Anywhere in Honiara.

    We are always overlooked for these things here, have been since the Foreman – Ali fight in Zaire.

  2. Do you have a Newark, DE connection? Do I know you?

  3. Maybe after they sell out all the movie theatres and those tix are going for $800 a pop on StubHub, they will add the abattoir and the diarrhea cruise ship (“Let’s See How Well the Fare Now, on the Core Four Shit Ship”)

  4. Considering the zoo jokes, thought you might enjoy this:

  5. I actually had to look up abattoir and oubliette…and I consider myself an educated person. Not sure if it’s well-done or over-done…either way, thanks for the vocabulary lesson.

    btw, ‘middle seat’…genius.

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